I was bored two evenings ago and was in the mood for a romance movie, so I signed onto Netflix and picked out “Mansfield Park” to entertain me. Here’s a very quick recount of two characters to get to the point I’m trying to make with this post. The protagonist, Fanny Price, is from a poor family but comes to live with her wealthy aunt. There, she meets a suitor, Henry Crawford, who’s portrayed as a cad. Of course, Fanny is wary of his intentions and doesn’t believe he to be a constant lover, so she declines his marriage proposal. He, however, promises to wait for her and be true. As she foretold of his inability to be trusted, he indeed proved her right because he eventually showed his true colors by having an adulterous affair with her cousin.

My point here is time will oftentimes show a person’s true intention:

LiarSo you’re just as confused by his emails, right? We were a 55% match according to OKC, so I’m assuming that’s what he’s referring to when he said we’re “so far apart from a match,” (that or it’s his excuse for why I haven’t responded?) but apparently, it’s enough of a “match” to copulate- ugh. At least he finally admitted to his true intention and also for complimenting me on my intelligence! Still, I’m not quite exactly sure where he was going with the last email and his admission of lying. I can’t handle his mind games! First you’re being honest then next you’re lying?! Waaahh??

What

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After a short hiatus from the dating world due to the holidays and work (and perhaps, maybe because I was just up to my eyeballs in dating b.s. for the year and had to take a break for the sake of my sanity), I’ve finally resurfaced. Yup, as soon as I signed into my account, there staring back at me was a crap ton of emails from lonely men looking for love or a quickie or hell, both. Well, well, I suppose men are just as susceptible as women to the expectations and loneliness that the joys of the holidays bring! I, on the other hand, thought I should just shut it down and rise again like the phoenix in 2015 to start anew! (I thought optimism would be a good new year’s resolution to have)

Besides, why would I risk the awkwardness of “Should I get him a present? I mean, we’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks. Is he going to get me a present??? What if he gets me something, and I didn’t get him a gift? Or what if I get him something, but he didn’t get me anything? I’d be disappointed, and he’d read into it and think I was moving too fast and then break it off with me because he thinks I’m desperate and tells his friends I’m some psycho who wants to move in after the first of January, get engaged by early spring, married before the leaves turn, and start popping out babies by late summer!” Whew, no thanks. I’m good. Let’s just circumvent this whole fiasco.

So, here I am, halfway through the first month with a clean slate and an open mind. Besides being more optimistic, I also decided to adopt a new approach: to be more proactive with online dating. I am making a conscious effort to scout potential men and make the first move! Hoo-ha! If I want things to change, I have to change, right? Sounds good… until I started reading men’s dating profiles…

No-no #1: Nope. Just nope.

50 Shades

No-no #2: He mentioned his mother in every other section of his profile. Self summary: I’m very family-oriented. My mother is my number one fan. I’m Really Good At: being a good son to my mom. Six Things I Can Never Do Without: My Mom. On A Typical Friday Night I Am: hanging out with the family and helping my mom make dinner. And photos? 3 of the 6 were posing with his mommy. Now, I’m trying not to pre-judge here, but… Seriously? I can’t compete with that!

Mommas boy

No-no #3: Anyone who doesn’t like dogs should not be trusted. Period.

WTF

No-no #4: Writing a long-winded sentence with words that are longer than 4 syllables doesn’t make your message any less creepy and gross. I know all you’re trying to say is “Me want to bang bang bang”!

Creep

No-no #5: What’s with all these crazy eyes?!

Crazy eyes

No-no #6: Congratulations, now take your damn profile off because reading your message was beyond painful.

Taken

Erm, is this what I have to look forward to???

sobbing

 

 

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Personally, I would limit sending correspondence to online dating prospects to only 2 attempts. One email elicited no response? It could have gotten lost among the rest or got sucked into a cyber black hole, so if you don’t hear back, send a second email. No response after second attempt? Odds are fair to good that she’s not interested. No response after 6th email? She’s afraid of you and have added you to her “In Case I Go Missing, Here Are the Possible Culprits” list.

Wishful

Sincere guy with good intentions? Or stalker in the making? I’m not curious enough to find out.

There is NO changing a woman’s mind with an 8th email; trust me. I’m not playing hard to get, I promise. Persistence and finally getting the girl to succumb to your charms only happen in movies- not in online dating. Maybe I’m just too insecure to think I’m so darn awesome that it causes sane men to lose track of reason and insist we connect despite never having heard back from me. Maybe it’s the scary stories I’ve read about stalkers and overly enamored folks that make me shudder when I see a guy keep pushing for a chance. Oh whom am I kidding? I’m just an uber judgmental prick and don’t dig the neediness. Have some pride, man! With me, I put it out there twice at max (maaaaybe three times if he has a super cute dog I want to pet), and if the guy doesn’t bite, I gather what dignity/pride/self-worth I have left (and pick up a healthy dose of humor while I’m at it) and move on because the reality of it is, I really don’t give a rat’s ass whether a guy responds or not. This online dating thing is a numbers game. NEXT!

DGAF

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Some men and their choice of words amuse me. Depending on the cosmos and the time of my menstrual cycle, my reaction varies. Today, I’m in heightened snarky mode. Perhaps I shouldn’t be posting for fear of seeming less than personable- as I usually am. Then again, maybe my cynical and sarcastic comments are why you visit my blog. Ow, I’m over-thinking this.

One way attraction

 

To address his question: Obviously, there is an attraction, but it’s one way and it’s not coming from me. I suppose typing the line, “Are you not attracted to me?” would imply the fault in no response is upon him. Easier for him to stomach when the responsibility is shared. (I have a problem: I read into semantics way too much. I don’t focus on the right things.)

Don’t get me wrong. I think he’s an attractive man despite his hyperthyroid eyes; I’m just not attracted to his look. Maybe it’s because he reminds me of Fritz Huhnmorder???

Evil scientist

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You can literally find every type of person on an online dating website (well, except for the Amish and those with severe online phobia, but maybe even then I stand to be corrected). With this comes very bizarre, entertaining, alarming, and hilarious photos. Online dating isn’t just for finding love. It’s also a good source for laughs and shudders.

1. Flex Machine– this is just a super awkward flab flex. As a matter of fact, it looks as if his wrist is broken or that he’s imitating a unicorn stance. His goatee is pretty spot on, though!

Flex machineUunicorn

2. Driver’s License Boy– I’m just jealous my driver’s license photo is too hideous for anyone to see. He’s kinda cute actually, but seriously? This was the best you can do with a face like that???

Angry eyes

3. Catman– I thought he was mocking the “Single Cat Lady” persona, but upon further inspection of his album, he has more photos with felines. Um…

Catman

4. ‘Murica!– Land of the Free to wear whatever horrible looking clothes you want. Now that’s what I call freedom, ya’ll!

Murica5. Tinky Winky– the fact that I see a Teletubby when I view this photo does not sit well. Last I recall, Teletubbies don’t inspire panty dropping with the ladies.

Shadow

6. Modern Day Jesus– Who better to model your look after other than The Son of God. Amen.

Jesus

I’m not a dating guru with a lot of clout, so people don’t take my advice seriously when it comes to posting online dating photos. That’s fine; you’ll just be material for my blog.

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Dating can be expensive, so if you’re a serial dater, your bank account will definitely take a hit. Think about it. Depending on where you live, there are the costs of gas & tolls, parking & valet, food & drink, and other miscellaneous items such as make-up & other beauty products (bet men don’t realize this tidbit), and let’s not forget to mention opportunity costs at that- har har. So unless you’re shitting golden goose eggs, I suggest you choose your dates wisely as to not waste any hard earned money on undeserving people. What I don’t suggest you do is going on dates you can’t afford.

We Americans find living outside our means is the norm and almost a right. I, on the other hand, prefer not to because the thought of debt gives me cold sweats and night terrors. This is why for most first dates, I like to alleviate some financial pressures on me and the guy I’m seeing. Solution? Coffee dates! There are so many bonuses to this first date venue: crowded place that can provide some safety should he be a cannibal  and with affordable light fare to nosh on while you exchange cheesy one-liners and stock options. Besides, if you can’t afford a cup of coffee, your broke ass should stay at home or be working at a job. However, there’s another kind of dating creature who is just as vile: the cheap bastard. It’s one thing to not be able to afford a cup of coffee, then there’s not wanting to pay for a cup of coffee. *eye roll*

So Cup o’ Joe and I randomly met in the sunglass aisle at Neiman Marcus Last Call, after suggesting he forgo the pair he was trying on because his head was too wide for the small frame, he was grateful for my honest suggestion and insisted we grab coffee. I was thinking, “Hmm, a very well dressed guy in a store that’s reasonably priced for quality goods. He doesn’t come off as a scrub- sure.” We then head downstairs to Starbucks where he tells me he didn’t want anything. Er, odd, no? Why did you suggest we get coffee then? I go to the counter and order the Creme Brulee latte, and that’s when the barista informed me that there’s a buy one get one free deal going on for the holiday lattes. Before I can say anything, Cup o’ Joe chimed in and said he’ll get one too… with extra whipped cream, please! The order was placed and it was time to pay, so I pulled out my debit card. That’s when he said, “Since you were about to pay for one anyway, and it’s still the same price…”

UH…

He was also kind enough to remind me that the tip should be for BOTH cups.

Fucking kidding me

FML.

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I was secretly hoping there wouldn’t be a sequel to Top 5 Photos Not to Post , but we know darn well there are more than 5 types that are just plain unacceptable when it comes to online dating profile photos.

6. Photo of a photo:  Bro, seriously? Your profile picture shouldn’t be in the theme of the movie Inception. That huge white glare is not only obstructive but also irritating. Get a scanner. Better yet, ask someone to snap a digital photo of you when you’re out and about. I personally don’t take pictures of myself, so I ask my friends to forward them to me when they click away. It’s easy, so do it. Snapping a photo of a photo just makes you seem lazy. Also, when someone posts this kind of ridiculousness, I’m thinking it’s an outdated picture because let’s face it, when was the last time any of us printed these out anyway? This makes you seem sketchy. There’s no room for that in online dating. Tip: don’t seem sketchy.

Go deeper

7. Same photos, different angles: Just pick ONE! I find it bizarre when people post pictures that are essentially identical. Odds are, most people on an online dating site aren’t magazine editors. We won’t be able to identify the subtle differences to appreciate the 5 photos of you in the same outfit against the same backdrop in the same lighting. Quit this nonsense.

Different angles

8. Lifting weights/ flexing at the gym: I get it- you work out. I read on your profile that you go to the gym 6 times a week and take great care of your body and put only healthy food in your piehole. That’s awesome. What’s not awesome is taking a selfie in the mirror in a public place, especially the gym. Finish your reps and move on, so someone else can get on the bench, you vain selfish prick. I can barely shift my boobs back into my sports bra without feeling awkward let alone bust out my cell phone to snap a photo of me flexing in the mirror. Some people have no shame.

Gym Selfie

9. Professional headshots: I’m sure there are women out there who like a snazzy formal photo of you in your business suite or with you modeling your favorite poses, but personally, I think it’s uber cheesy. Keep it on LinkedIn. Unless you’re Hugh Jackman.

Headshots

10. Lying down in bed selfie: Why??? Don’t people realize it’s a very unflattering angle? Your face looks as if it’s melted into your chest and amplifies your double chin. Not to mention it’s a little too suggestive for a first impression. I’ll be honest; I focus more on the background, like if you have clean sheets on the bed or any sheets for that matter. No one likes to see dirty sheets, dude. By the way, how on Earth did people come to think this debacle along with the duck face will make sexy photos?

Melted face

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I prefer dating men who are substantially taller than me. A healthy 8 inches or more is preferable. I measure 5 foot nothing, so it’s nice when I’m with a taller gentleman and not be mistaken for a teen when I patronize a nice restaurant (Take me seriously, dammit! I have money!). I also appreciate the way vertically unchallenged men’s embraces make me feel all protected and small- however false that reality is. Hey, I like what I like, and I like to stand on my tip-toes when I kiss a guy, and it’s fun to swing on them like a jungle gym set.

So here’s a random rant just because…

Aside from tall men being fun to climb, a usual bonus that comes with a tall man: big penis. I know, I know, it’s not always the case, hence, the use of the word “usual”. Overall, I’d say I’ve lucked out most of the time. What? Just because I’m small doesn’t mean I prefer a small penis. Vaginas are very… very… accommodating, so bring on the well-endowed men! Honestly, I can’t imagine any woman ever deliberately wanting a small penis if she had a say. Small penises to a woman are like small breasts to a man: we’ll take it, but most of us don’t prefer it if we had a real choice in the matter. Truth.

There have been two instances where I can remember the stabbing pain of disappointment when the dude dropped his pants. Like, wtf? You guys are well over 6 feet tall; what happened? I’m not going to lie, I feel gypped… robbed… conned, I tell ya! (The feeling is probably similar to those men feel when we take off our makeup and push-up bra.) Hey little guy, did you think that I wouldn’t notice the size discrepancy? Oh, I notice and yes, I gave them some time to warm up and get excited. Too bad I was the only one who wasn’t warming up or getting excited. Being the sympathetic person that I am though, I can only imagine my disappointment pales in comparison to how those two must feel every time they look down. Aww *sniffles*

I wonder if tall guys with short penises make a bigger mess when they pee. It seems like it would, right? Hmm… Anyway, here are some “penis” photos to entertain you:

Creepy

Doggy

 

Awkward

FootballOK, not sure about the last one…

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The art of wooing doesn’t give much leeway to uncertainty. Odds are, you most likely won’t have a second chance to explain yourself, so be clear in your intentions and words. This dude right here has messaged me this line several times. What the hell does it even mean?!

WifeAre you proposing marriage?Are you giving me a compliment? Are you threatening me? I don’t understand your vernacular!

What do you want

What I do know is if you think your one photo is douchey, then your better judgment should have told you to post one that isn’t douchey. Just sayin’…

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Why do some men even bother messaging women they find vile or annoying or hell, even unattractive? Is it because despite being vile or annoying, we can still be redeemed because after all, we come equipped with a set of tits that can negate all shortcomings? I have a feeling some men think that by being less than friendly, they can get a girl’s attention. This is half true, but the attention they’re getting isn’t getting them anywhere near our vaginas, which defeats the purpose for many pecker carriers. Tip to men: regardless of what you may think when it comes to getting a woman’s attention, being a dick only gets you called a dickhead.

Games

 

I’ll give it to him. His assumption was correct about me not responding if it weren’t for his error. What I don’t understand is if you don’t like what I’ve written, can’t you just not respond and move on? Why take the time and effort to call me out on my “ignorance”? Some people just baffle me. I’ve seen plenty of posts from women who face the same ordeal, so I’m not special here. Don’t people remember the priceless lesson we were taught by Thumper?

Thumper

As for men between the ages of 20-40 who spend 2 hours every day playing video games: I have no desire to be with them. Just as some men don’t want to date women who spend 2 hours every day primping in front of a mirror, I don ‘t want to sit around and witness my guy wasting his life. I’m not here to please and like everybody much the same way you aren’t either. So, to each his own, no?

A side note: I just don’t care for guys who look like Larry the Cable Guy- especially those who pose with a beer can. I prefer men who pose with a bottle of whiskey while making it “rain”; it’s way more classy- like me!

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