3’s Company… but 4 Is Mo’ Betta!

in Bad Dates, Dating Tips

I’m not exactly Prudence McPrude or Loosey Lucy when it comes to dating and sex. I’d like to consider myself somewhere in between- Midway Martha perhaps? My philosophy is if I’m seeing someone exclusively, there are little boundaries in the nookie department. Life’s short. I like to explore, and well, it can be a lot of fun. Fun is always good, unless it involves gag balls and sheep. There are a few other things on my “Don’t ever do again” list, but I’ll share that with you another time. Point is, I’ll most likely try anything twice, but don’t get too crazy (what? once usually is not enough to determine if it’s good or bad!). A girl’s gotta be open-minded while setting limits, you know?

Allow me to introduce you to Harvard, an Ivy-League educated Midwestern boy who’s quite, um, open-minded. He contacted me via a dating website, and we corresponded back and forth for a while and after some time of interrogation and no apparent red flags, we decided to attend a food festival together. (Tip: if meeting for the first time, I suggest you do something during the day. Night dates impose too much date-y pressure; and frankly, if that date blows, you still have the rest of the day to redeem it!) Surprisingly, our date went extremely well despite the 110 degree heat and sweaty ass/boobcracks. We laughed and flirted and dare I add, made sexual yet tasteful innuendos?! I admit I was quite liberal with the double entendres but boy, I didn’t expect him to take it as a green light to Kinkyville. Fast-forward to third date… I had recently moved to this city so haven’t had the opportunity to explore the douchey night life, so Harvard offered to be my personal tour guide. He chose to have dinner at this lovely restaurant where we dined al fresco (Yes, it was still 110+ degree weather, but we had a misty fan blowing on us. Come to think of it, I believe he just wanted to see sweat glisten down my cleavage. Smart guy- he did attend Harvard, afterall).

Two drinks in:

Harvard: You look nice tonight.
Me: Thanks. I feel overdressed, though.
Harvard: Nah, you fit right in. See? Those girls are dressed up too.
Me: I suppose. Her dress is lovely, ooh and she’s pretty too.
Harvard: Speaking of girls, ever been with one?
Me: Um, well…
Harvard: I think it’d be hot to have a threesome with you.
Me: Yeah, if only I got a dollar for every time I heard that. Didn’t you say you were looking for a long term relationship?
Harvard: Yeah, I am. I’m looking for a girlfriend.
Me: And you think proposing a threesome with me is the most prudent move to convince me you’re serious about a relationship?
Harvard: I’m just saying. It’d be hot.
Me: *downs cocktail* You ready to go to the next venue?

At Bar on patio:

Harvard: Want to see some pictures?
Me: Of?
Harvard: An orgy I was in a few months back.
Me: *4th drink in* Sure.
Harvard: See that? That’s me and her husband.
Me: *blink blink* Are you guys… DPing her?! Buddy, you don’t mind crossing swords?
Harvard: I was wearing a condom, so it’s OK.
Me: Um, if you say so. *after going through April ’11 Orgy Album*
Harvard: Let’s go inside the bar and check it out.

Harvard proceeded to chat up these two girls: a cute skinny blonde and her voluptuous brunette friend. After a few minutes, we find out they’re celebrating Blondie’s birthday. I’m sure Harvard was thinking, “Score!” He was taking a liking to Blondie, so I ended up chatting with the Brunette. I was nodding and acted interested in her talking about being a teacher for inner city kids. Commendable, I said. A few more minutes passed and with feet hurting from high heels, I excused myself. By this time, I was pretty tipsy and was downing my 5th (or was it my 6th cocktail?). I found a nearby comfy bench in which to sit and allowed the show to unveil before me. Yes, my date was hitting on other girls on our date. Presumptuous of him to think if this shenanigan works out with those girl that I’d be down for whatever happens after, don’t you agree? Strangely, I did not find this odd or offensive. I was quite amused, in fact.  Maybe it was the alcohol? Then again, he did just show me pictures of his penis in every sexual position and orifice imaginable. I suppose I’ve already been conditioned.

Harvard finally comes by me and told us to go home.

Harvard: Fuck, as soon as I saw that cross tattooed on her ring finger, I knew she was a virgin.
Me: Ahh, sucks for you. Haha
Harvard: Her friend was DTF, though!
Me: Homegirl was not going to leave her virginal friend to go home with us.
Harvard: Yes she was! And you just bailed on me!
Me: Well, sorry for not being a team player.

The night ended with no third party or any form of a party for that matter. This date was definitely a first for me, and I found it quite entertaining. I guess I appreciate novelty? But hey, guys? One sure way to call bullshit on your “I’m looking for a girlfriend” is to suggest a threesome. You wait for at least the 6th date, sheesh!

Third base only!
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