But I’m Not a Hooker

in Conversations with People

Some men have absolutely no sense of decorum when it comes to online dating. One such instance is Mr. Jonah Goldsteinmanberg (if you don’t get why I’m calling him this, you and I do not share the same sense of humor. Maybe it’s for the best because I can be offensive). His profile proudly boasts that he’s successful and varied in his profession: a real estate broker/investor, an entertainer, a mathematics teacher, and a writer. If I didn’t see a photo of a curly-haired, big-nosed, pale gawky guy, I’d think he was Jamaican, mon! Oh, he also states the one thing he could never live without are his “funds”. Allow me to present to you our brief conversation:

Jonah Goldsteinmanberg: I would love to go out with you….I’ll make it worth your time….
Me: and how would you make it worth my while? (this is just too good of an opener to not inquire further)
Jonah Goldsteinmanberg: Depends….what do you need? (er, need? this sounds very much like he’s wanting to pay for my time)
Me: hmm, I’ll eventually need a new liver sooner or later. I suppose a girl can always use another crocodile diamond crusted Hermes bag too
Jonah Goldsteinmanberg: Are you drinking too much?
Me: yeah, do you have access to any fresh livers ? jaundice is seriously undermining my tan
Jonah Goldsteinmanberg: Ok….this is not going the way I was thinking
Me: what were you thinking? (not going the way you were thinking? I can’t imagine it ever going the way you were thinking if this is how you initiate conversations with women who aren’t hookers)
Jonah Goldsteinmanberg: We’re both in the same area….it makes it conducive for regular meetings….hang out, dating, loving, whatever… (loving??? ugh)
Me: oh, for a minute there, you made it seem as if you were propositioning me as if i was a prostitute. is that your usual approach with women?
Jonah Goldsteinmanberg: what’s wrong with a guy having money? I don’t understand you at all whatsoever. Generous guys who love their gf provide them with funds to spend. ….it’s a courtship and companionship. …it’s something that I sincerely miss in my life (this is courtship? maybe I should direct him to an escort for hire site)
Me: Hmm, are suggesting I be your sugar baby?
Jonah Goldsteinmanberg: I do not think I can ask that of you if we haven’t even met yet….need to go out on a date first (smooth, I see what he was trying to do there. I’m too smart to fall for that one, buddy!)
Me: You do realize your first message asked that of me, right? I suppose other females wouldn’t mind and probably even prefer your cut-to-the-chase approach. I, however, found it unbecoming of a gentleman because you were presumptuous to think you can make it worth my time- whatever that meant. It pretty much reduced me to an escort of sorts, which I definitely am not. If I may be so bold, here’s some advice. Wait on telling your companion that you want to give her some money to spend. A) it prevents from offending the prospective date and B) you can weed out the gold diggers. You’re welcome.
Jonah Goldsteinmanberg: you’re not….so let’s move on
Me: you are absolutely right. have a lovely day!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy having money. However, there is very much something wrong with a guy who wants to buy a girl whose time isn’t posted for sale (OK, OK, maybe I’d consider it, but I still have plenty of money to last me the month, so his timing was off. I’ll check back with him by the 30th). Anyway, I doubt he can deliver gifts like Oprah. Just look at all her pizzazz!

Oprah Bees

 

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