Happy Freakin’ New Year!

in Bad Profiles

After a short hiatus from the dating world due to the holidays and work (and perhaps, maybe because I was just up to my eyeballs in dating b.s. for the year and had to take a break for the sake of my sanity), I’ve finally resurfaced. Yup, as soon as I signed into my account, there staring back at me was a crap ton of emails from lonely men looking for love or a quickie or hell, both. Well, well, I suppose men are just as susceptible as women to the expectations and loneliness that the joys of the holidays bring! I, on the other hand, thought I should just shut it down and rise again like the phoenix in 2015 to start anew! (I thought optimism would be a good new year’s resolution to have)

Besides, why would I risk the awkwardness of “Should I get him a present? I mean, we’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks. Is he going to get me a present??? What if he gets me something, and I didn’t get him a gift? Or what if I get him something, but he didn’t get me anything? I’d be disappointed, and he’d read into it and think I was moving too fast and then break it off with me because he thinks I’m desperate and tells his friends I’m some psycho who wants to move in after the first of January, get engaged by early spring, married before the leaves turn, and start popping out babies by late summer!” Whew, no thanks. I’m good. Let’s just circumvent this whole fiasco.

So, here I am, halfway through the first month with a clean slate and an open mind. Besides being more optimistic, I also decided to adopt a new approach: to be more proactive with online dating. I am making a conscious effort to scout potential men and make the first move! Hoo-ha! If I want things to change, I have to change, right? Sounds good… until I started reading men’s dating profiles…

No-no #1: Nope. Just nope.

50 Shades

No-no #2: He mentioned his mother in every other section of his profile. Self summary: I’m very family-oriented. My mother is my number one fan. I’m Really Good At: being a good son to my mom. Six Things I Can Never Do Without: My Mom. On A Typical Friday Night I Am: hanging out with the family and helping my mom make dinner. And photos? 3 of the 6 were posing with his mommy. Now, I’m trying not to pre-judge here, but… Seriously? I can’t compete with that!

Mommas boy

No-no #3: Anyone who doesn’t like dogs should not be trusted. Period.

WTF

No-no #4: Writing a long-winded sentence with words that are longer than 4 syllables doesn’t make your message any less creepy and gross. I know all you’re trying to say is “Me want to bang bang bang”!

Creep

No-no #5: What’s with all these crazy eyes?!

Crazy eyes

No-no #6: Congratulations, now take your damn profile off because reading your message was beyond painful.

Taken

Erm, is this what I have to look forward to???

sobbing

 

 

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