I Make Grown Men Cry

in Bad Dates, Stories

Fanatical religious people usually rub me the wrong way for one reason or another. I suppose it’s the air of superiority that many of them exude, or the condemning attitude they have against others unlike them, or it could be how they spaz out when they do something against their doctrine. Actually, it’s all 3 that irk me and make me steer clear when I eventually identify them.

I remember meeting Altar Boy on my interview and again at orientation when I started grad school. He was very helpful and enthusiastic to show me the ropes, which I was quite thankful for. At the time he had a girlfriend, so I thought nothing of his checking up on me and invites to hang out. He would talk to me as a platonic friend, divulging in his relationship woes. His major issue was that his girlfriend was not a Catholic and did not share all his beliefs, so he felt a disconnect. Among the issues was the burgeoning guilt of premarital sex, which he attempted to abstain from whenever the power of his faith prevailed. Yeah, I imagine his girlfriend was not one happy camper when she wanted to bone but he insists on saying the rosary instead.


Inevitably, their love did not overcome the strain of religion and sexual frustration. Altar Boy began coming around more often and eventually our friendship became a little bit more than platonic. One fateful Friday evening, he invited me over for a home-cooked dinner. His baked tilapia left much to be desired as so was the “dessert” course.

Yes, I should have known better, but I wasn’t exactly looking for love. He’s cute and smart and nice enough. As a friend, he never imposed his religious beliefs on me, so everything was cool. One thing led to another that evening, and I didn’t use better judgment. I was just thinking, “Yay, I’m going to get some much needed action! Bow-chicka-bow-wow!” We just started to do the deed, and by “just started” I mean it wouldn’t stand up in court because I wasn’t sure if it was even sex, when he tells me, “I shouldn’t be doing this.” Yup, nothing like a crushing whack to the libido to hear a guy who’s on top of you utter those words. He quickly rolled over and started crying. The dude started CRYING and mumbling, “This is so against my religion. I shouldn’t be doing this, but you’re just so attractive and I couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry, but this is wrong.” Erm no, Altar Boy; I’m the one who should be sorry for tempting you with all my sexiness and making you commit that lascivious sin.

That has got to be the most awkward moment in my adult sexual life. There I was, literally patting his shoulder and telling him it’s alright, that Jesus still loves him and that he’s still a good person (is that what I’m supposed to say, or does that sound mockingly patronizing?). At the time, I wasn’t annoyed because he was my friend and a friend in distress at that; but now in retrospect, I’m thinking what the hell kind of pussy cries naked in fetal position during sex (actually, any time during sexy play for that matter)?!


Yeah, so now do you see why I avoid people who have staunch religious beliefs? It’s because they can make situations fucking awkward.

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