I’m Single… If You Don’t Consider My Wife

in Stories

It is no shock that people on the internet lie, especially on dating profiles. The most common lies for men are as follows: height, age, job/income.

It’s easy to see why men lie about height; most women just aren’t attracted to a man she deems short. Why is that? Maybe it’s because we like to feel small and protected. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to be the bigger one in the relationship because it’s defeminizing. It’s already bad enough most of us have a mustache to rid of; we don’t need to feel like a giant ogre next to our man.

Then there’s the age issue. Men are on a constant prowl for younger women with tighter vaginas and perkier boobs, so I’m assuming this is why they lie. Unless you’re a sugar daddy, most younger females rather not date an old guy with saggy balls, and less affluent men know this.

Third comes the job and income. This is self-explanatory.

What I didn’t see coming was being lied to about their relationship status. Mind you, I clearly specify “single men only”. There should have been absolutely no confusion there. Enter Married Steve.

So “Steve” and I met for a drink, and things are going well enough, or so I thought. After a couple of minutes of witty banter and exchanging a few internet dating horror stories, I jokingly said, “Since the internet can be so sketchy. I can’t assume anything. I have to ask, you’re single, right? Haha.” I was totally kidding and was expecting only one answer. This was not it:

Married Steve: Well, technically, no.
Me: *stops laughing* What do you mean not technically?
Married Steve: I’m still married, but we’re not together.
Me: Define not together.
Married Steve: We’re not together together. She just still lives with me, but only because she can’t afford to move out. (oh, this answer makes it totally more acceptable)
Me: And when were you planning on disclosing this information?
Married Steve: When I felt this was going to go somewhere
Me: See, this is where you messed up. What if I thought things were going really well and wanted to go back to your place?
Married Steve: Really? We can still go.

I didn’t fault him for being misleading/omitting the truth/lying. I fault him for not getting sarcasm. Forget what my mother said about not taking something from a guy if I didn’t anticipate on returning the favor. I let this lying sack of shit pay for my drinks that night. And then he went home. To his wife.

Lies

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