My Top 3 Issues with Online Dating Profiles

in Dating Tips

Having been single for the past 3 years and randomly going on dates here and there but with no good prospect in sight, I began questioning my modus operandi. Are the seedy bars and douchebag-spawning clubs I’ve been frequenting prime locations to snag a quality man befitting of my discerning tastes? This was when my ever so supportive and empathetic roommate, who probably was tired of my bemoaning and secretly desiring to live vicariously through me, introduced me to the goldmine of eligible bachelors who abound the internet (who too are looking for love!). Yes, under her persuasive insistence and my clawing desperation, I decided to participate in this thing called online dating. Oh, little did I know what misadventures, doubts of existence of a compassionate God, and uncomfortable puckering of my asshole would ensue. I quickly surmised several issues for me with finding a love match using the internet: 1. Gross phyiscal misrepresentations of self. 2. Delusional perspective of one’s personality. 3. Flagrant disregard for English diction and correct spelling.

#1: Fat is Not Fit. Let’s face the superficial truth- if we can avoid artificial lubrication with a sexual partner, we will. With that said, these wily dating websites ask you to answer questions describing your physical attributes (e.g. height, weight, hair/eye color) so that we can filter through the plethora of individuals we deem physically desirable, or conversely, those we see as unworthy of procreating. These categories seem pretty straightforward, right? The kicker here is there’s usually a “body type”  selection also; I never knew this could be so… subjective. I’m all about a healthy self-image, but when it blatantly crosses the line of gross misrepresentation, I have a major issue. Look, if I have the cognitive ability of at least a 6 year old and own a non-distorted mirror, I should be woman enough to be accepting and honest of my physical appearance and not waste anyone’s time with misleading information. I expect the same courtesy from men. So, when I read “athletic” on a guy’s profile, guess what? I expect to see a man who looks as if he can run a 50 yards without keeling over- not a man who looks as if his definition of working out is doing bicep curls with his beer can or as if he’s being strangled by a double chin while being constricted by a donut around his midsection. Oh, and for future reference, just because you fit into your XXXXL cotton t-shirt does not make you “fit”; it just means some poor, third world child is working overtime to make your gigantic article of clothing, which he probably thinks would make an ideal blanket for him and his 6 younger siblings on chilly nights as they sleep on their dirt floor. Lastly, I know the sun, gravity, and father time are not exactly the best of friends with the melanin and collagen in your skin nor to your hairline, so instead of lying about your age, invest in moisturizers with SPF 500 and limit exposure to the sun, eat a healthy diet rich in antioxidants, and maybe go to Costco and buy a triple pack of Rogaine. I don’t give two shits how every other female comments on how sexy and debonair Sean Connery is; you aren’t him, buddy.

#2: You are Not the Most Interesting Man in the World. I understand that a dating profile is your advertisement to the community. You campaign for women to give you a chance by putting your best and shiniest foot forward. I got it. However, what I don’t grasp is why people make a fictitious novel out of a supposed autobiography. Strategically placed props of African masks and Bushido swords I see sold at Target in the background; exciting captions under pictures to inform the reader of the exotic locations you frequent as you pose with a slew of scantily clad women; listing spelunking on the moon and scuba diving in the Aral Sea as your hobbies; and listing The Titanic or The Notebook as one of your favorite movies-all this emanate the foul smell of bullshit. Leave the hyperbole to professional writers and shitty movies directed by Michael Bay. What is the take-away message? Be honest. Why, you begrudgingly ask? Not only are some misleading information easy to spot, it’s also particularly offensive to think that you honestly believe I’m too stupid to catch on that you’re not that exciting, well-cultured, svelte young buck you claim to be. If you are going to consciously attempt to deceive me, at least be smooth about it. You can’t post a picture that’s 13 years old where your hairline was 2 inches lower than a more recent, less appealing photo. Be consistent with your lies at least. Better still, just be painfully introspective and comfortable with what you have to offer. There’s a lid for every pot; trust me! There are men who love women with dimply thighs, so there is bound to be women who like comb overs. Besides, wouldn’t you feel much better knowing you snagged a date by being the true you? My mentality: this is me; take it or leave it. Yeah, it’s been faring well for me as you can see. *snickers*

#3: You Don’t Be Typin Good. This is the mother of all complaints I have about online dating. Unless there’s a site that does only video profiles, you more than likely have one that is filled with written words- you know, those squiggly lines that form symbols to communicate a meaning. Usually, we start this scholastic journey of stringing together words to formulate a coherent sentence in the first grade and ideally, ascertain this skill by the time we graduate high school. Apparently, this is so not the case for many. Either our English teachers have really dropped the ball, or most of us are too damn cocky to think we don’t have to be talkin’ and writin’ American real good. Holy shitballs, every time I read your in lieu of you’re, an angel loses its wing and falls into the deep depths of hell only to be sodomized by Satan and his minions. Another noteworthy misspelled word that is like a 15 inch unlubricated, splintered dildo up my ass is definitely. Quoting the Oatmeal, “If you put an “A” in definitely, then you’re definitely an A-hole”. Right on, brother, right on. Yeah, so many of you are probably thinking, “It’s only an online profile. Stop being such a fucking Grammar Nazi.” I get that a lot, but honestly, do you really want to portray yourself as a dumb and ignorant jerk-off? No, you are not too cool for school. Flagrant disregard for English diction just makes me wonder if you were repeatedly dropped on your head into a pile of donkey excrement while on your father’s knee. Oh, and how much time did you truly save by typing shorthand? If you’ve worked so hard to choose the best looking picture with an angle that perfectly aligns with the sunset such that it showcases your bulging and glistening pecs, why not give the same attention to how well your profile reads? We must gestapo this abomination and raping of the English language! But seriously, let’s not lose anymore angels; it’s tragic. Oooh look, I just got an email from a suitor… “Hi, your hot.” Oh FML.

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