Just Because It Doesn’t Make Sense Doesn’t Make It Poetry

in Emails from Suitors

Ah, another fine gem emailing me to profess his love! I am so humbled and flattered…

Email #1 with proclaimed “self” photo attached- however, photo is a cartoon picture of a prince and damsel in distress:

i agree. ive observed things for sometimes and destiny still prevails to this day! i am a knight. i only want your confidence parred. i will speak to you form your wisdom. so i know the way. please lady, write me back. do you love the violin? you know if it wasnt for thier trashy low self esteem i’d write them too. love you just in case mright? no much respect latina, shh, i can hardly remember. a saint in letters, Prince Jason The Lonely

Follow-up email #6 in mostly caps- because he didn’t get my attention the first 5 times:

I LOVE YOU. BEFORE THE WORLD BEARS YOU TARNISHED AND DEGRADED LISTEN! I CAN SEX YOU LOVE YOU AND FULFILL YOU. SO MANY PEOPLE TURN THIER BACKS WITH NO EXPLANATION. PLEASE, I WANT TO DO IT FOR YOU. I AM 32. I HAVE BENN ALONE MY WHOLE LIFE. I CAN DO YOU RIGHT. IT’S HARD TO SWALLO THAT YOU KNOW.? EVER SINCE I WAS YOUNG, I LOVED A WOMAN. YOU ARE MY TYPE. THIERS SO MUCH RELEVANCE IN ME. WOULD YOU PLS CALL ME IF YOU CANT WRITE? trust me it’ll be worth it! Would you like to be my lady? Catholia! Let’s find out East? I know my children will be loved. I am Diabetic. I fiend to talk with you. I am Slick. Jason. Love Me Down. Write me back or call at : 

xxx one two – xxx eight two – xxx five three eight. 

I want a new kitten

What the firing fuckhole is this wackjob talking about?! I was checking to see if he was writing in iambic pentameter and when that didn’t pan out, I considered Haiku. Even if he was James Joyce himself writing in the method of stream of consciousness, this crap still wouldn’t be OK. Latina? Definitely not I. You can sex me? Well at least one of your heads is functioning. Oh, and at least he’s a giver, ladies. He wants to love and fulfill me for me!

I’m assuming this guy has internet access from the mental asylum or from a dark basement dungeon. By sending such emails (6 in a row that are of the same creepy nature), is this guy really wondering why he’s 32 and have been alone his entire life? I have a few educated guesses why he’s been pulling his pud by his lonesome self all these years. I’m tempted to respond out of curiosity, but my inner self is crying out, “Stranger! Danger!”. I guess I could go chew on shards of glass and down some methanol instead?

Maybe I should consider grabbing a bottle of Chianti with this fine gentleman…

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