My Top 3 Issues with Online Dating Profiles Part II

in Dating Tips

It has been a good while since I posted my inaugural diatribe on dating, My Top 3 Issues with Online Dating Profiles. I feel I am doing my audience and myself an injustice to stop there, considering I have many, many more issues concerning this topic. Over the years, I began to feel as if I’m Goldi-fucking-locks when it comes to reading men’s profiles. “It’s too boring, it’s too contrived, there’s too much information, there’s not enough information, what was he thinking with that photo?, he’s too cheesy, his standards are delusional,” etc., etc., so on and so forth… Sure, I try to be empathetic since I’ve had to do the same exact thing, but there’s no excuse for your profile to totally suck donkey dick, OK?

Putting yourself out there and writing about who you are from your perspective isn’t the easiest of tasks (but it isn’t exactly the most difficult either). Most people just aren’t that introspective. For those who do try, there’s always that battle between wanting to put your best foot forward but not wanting to come off as a braggart. Then there’s the whole hurdle of sorting through photos that show you in the best lighting with the most exciting background to take the attention off of your bald spot. Above all that, you’re trying to figure out what the woman on the other end wants to read about about you. Attempting to cater to a stranger is tough, so don’t even bother. Just try to be you- but better and more interesting.

So if you have no idea if your profile is as enticing as a dog shit sandwich, make sure you’re not committing the following offenses (continued):


4. Plenty of photos but no written content: Buddy, I don’t care how good looking you think you are or how you believe in the adage  “pictures are worth a thousand words,” you need to write a thing or two about yourself. Here is your glorious chance to showcase your writing abilities. Display some wit and humor. Reveal that you have depth to your personality. Delve a little into your dreams and aspirations. Just give us a little something to make us feel that you’re not some goddamn serial killer with a poop-eating fetish. Seriously, when we females go to your profile and only see photos, we’re most likely thinking, a) this tool is so full of himself. these pictures are probably not even of him and/or b) this vapid idiot probably has the personality of a tranquilized baboon. If you’re serious about meeting someone who’s serious about dating, then be serious about adding content that’s significant. Seriously. Just be careful not to commit my pet peeve #2.

5. Plenty of content but no photos: This is another problem that chaps my ass! Conversely, I don’t care how awesome your profile reads; why are you not posting photos of yourself? What are you trying to hide, mister? Are you too ashamed or embarrassed about some disfigured physical attribute? Or are you afraid to be caught on an online dating site? What? Oh, you too good or sumpin’? As much as we try to convince ourselves that we’re not superficial creatures, when it comes to dating… we humans are a bunch of superficial sons of bitches. Everyone needs to know if he or she wants to bump uglies should their personalities click. Looks aren’t everything, but I sure as hell ain’t gonna drop my panties for someone I think is oogley. Also, who’s to judge what’s good looking or not? Don’t be shy. There’s bound to be someone who thinks you’re the bee’s knees. My motto is, “There’s a lid for every pot out there,” so help me know if I want your lid on my pot!


6. Plenty of crappy content and equally crappy photos: See what I mean about being like Goldi-fucking-locks? Look, I’m not that much of a judgmental asshole. I’m talking about profiles where they’re typing just to type and fill up space. It’s all generic content that doesn’t say anything about who they are or give the reader any insight. Oh, you’re nice? That’s good. You don’t like to kick puppies then? You like to read? That could mean the back of cereal boxes, bro. The one thing that irks me the most is when it’s obvious he’s writing to cater to what he thinks women want to read. You enjoy walking on the beach and slow dancing in the kitchen while you’re cooking dinner? Your favorite movie is The Notebook, and your specialty is pleasing the girl of your dreams? Give me a break, you pussy. Reading this type of hogwash together with viewing horrible photos (e.g. up close of a tattoo, you with 5 other guys so I have no idea which one you are, same photo but different angles, you posing with an expensive car that you don’t own) make for a whopping shit show of an online dating profile!

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