No Country for Old Men

in Emails from Suitors

There was a time before online dating that I thought old men were cute in an endearing way. Aside from the few curmudgeons here and there, geriatrics seem chill and wise, and they’re usually full of enjoyable conversations. Yeah well, I no longer think this way. I now realize that males stop being cute pass the age of 8. Their window of adorableness is extremely short-lived, and their creepiness extends until they die.

As to not waste anyone’s time since I know I’m not willing to change anyone’s diapers any time soon, I’ve capped any potential suitor’s age at 40. A 10 year range is a healthy buffer, I thought. Since this is online, though, a ton of people choose to disregard any stipulations because hey, there’s no one policing who’s being extremely inappropriate. Oh and dammit, I’m no longer a minor to be afforded child protective laws.

Why Gramps thought it was OK to contact me is puzzling. What Gramps wrote is vomit-inducing. He’s 66 years old. Let me repeat, 66. That’s 26 years above my maximum for those who can’t do basic arithmetic.

Gramps: Hi and good to meet you. I travel regularly for business, it gets plenty lonely and so I’m looking for some nsa fun and a discreet play partner. I’m intelligent, funny, caring but with a definite wild and horny side. I promise I’m not some creep or psycho but decent, nice and honest. Let me know if you want to chat, get acquainted, possibly meet. Thanks.

Let’s break down the issues I have aside from him being the ripe ol’ age of 66:

1. I travel regularly for business: Why are you still working? Seriously, shouldn’t you be retired?

2. I’m looking for some nsa fun and a discreet play partner: Erm, I’m looking for a relationship with lots and lots of strings attached and one where I can gloat about in the company of friends and family without eliciting an averse reaction. The thought of being with someone older than my parents is extremely nauseating- ACK!

3. I’m intelligent, funny, caring but with a definite wild and horny side: AHHHH, MY EYES!! Must. get. mental. image. erased. immediately.

4.  I promise I’m not some creep or psycho: Uh… I care to differ. You are the epitome of creep, Gramps.

The sad thing is, Gramps isn’t the only one who’s way beyond my age preference who tries to “get acquainted,” so I get quite a few emails. They normally start off with “I know I’m above your age range…” and usually ends with something to the effect of “… but you should give me a try because I’ll change your mind about older men.” Nope, nope, nopepitty, nopers. I’ve dabbled in the Older Man thing once, and my curious nature has yet to resurface. I suppose these old geezers think, “Hey, I don’t have much time left on earth. What have I got to lose?! There’s bound to be girls with a fetish for old, saggy balls and the smell of Bengay!”

Old men

Leave a comment!

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: