Online Dating Profile Translations: Volume 1

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in Dating Tips

Show me one person who has never read an online personal ad or dating profile, and I show you someone who has never smelled the wrath of his own fart. Yeah, it’s not happening. If you’re like me, I read these posts for shits and giggles but sometimes, I softly weep in the dark corner of my bedroom as I clutch my dog’s cremated remains and lightly rock back and forth. I won’t openly admit it, but I read them with the fragile hope that my Prince Charming will unfold before my eyes as he stealthily reels me into his cyber embrace with succinct yet effective poetic words. Until then, I’ll continue reading this crap and laugh and cry at the same time. If you’re a novice at this online dating thing, take heed and be wary of posts too good to be true. If you’re an old vulture to the scene, you’re going to say, “Yup/True dat/Uh-huh/Furrealz” a lot; yes, somehow the hood in you will be revealed. We’re all a little hoodtastic deep down.

1. I’ve never done this online dating before. = I’ve done this online dating before. OK, the majority of those who try online dating have found the more conventional ways of meeting dates aren’t exactly working so are trying a different approach. No shame in that. Honestly. I get it. You find it difficult to meet new people since graduating college and working at a corporate job, and Beth in Accounting is 16 yrs over your age limit. Your friends are all home working on their first marriage. You’re beginning to recycle girls you meet at the bar and keep getting the same STDs such that the regular antibiotics are no longer effective. Seriously, I got it. It probably occurred to you one day that online dating is your untapped resource for new potentials- and you don’t even have to get dressed and leave the house to check out these girls! Bonus! So um, why lie about it? What? You’re too proud, too ashamed, too afraid that we’ll think you’re desperate? You think people will consider you so socially inept where you can’t find real world people to date, therefore, you have to resort to the internet to snag an unsuspecting girl? Nah, these notions are antiquated even if they are somewhat true! It’s hip to do online dating now, so quit lying; no one truly likes virgins. They’re boring.

2. I’m a laid-back guy. = I don’t really care about much, unless it’s something I care about. First rule: anyone who makes a demonstrative statement about a desirable quality is usually lying. No one who’s *insert positive attribute here* tend to go announcing it. Got it? So, whenever I read this line, I think I just freaking wasted 1.3 seconds reading a lie. Oh yeah, buddy? You’re super chill and easy-going? Cool, cool. Nothing gets you going? You don’t care what we do, where we go, what we eat? Mister, this is not laid-back; this is apathy. The only reason he didn’t say he’s apathetic is because he doesn’t know what apathy means. Trust me. Dudes are “laid-back” if you you don’t account for stipulations. For example, he doesn’t care where you go out and what you do so long as a) he doesn’t have to wear dress shoes because “dressing up to go out is for douchebags” b) the venue has a tv screen where he can catch the game so he can drown out you yammering about a girlfriend’s new beau and how he’s not good for her because he once went out with a stripper and he’s still living with his parents and how he only text her 5 times this one day c) it doesn’t interfere with his other more fun plans. Otherwise, I bet your pimply ass that he won’t be laid back if you suggest going to the ballet during a championship game. I bet your big balls he”ll pucker and clench his ass cheeks at your mentioning that you two need to discuss your emotions and where he sees this relationship heading. I also bet your sweet tits that he’s only laid-back if whatever it is you want doesn’t bother him. Otherwise, he won’t be “laid-back”.

3. I’m an open-minded individual. = I’m open to kinky sex. It also means that you should be open to threesomes, anal sex, role-playing, him experimenting with other men and maybe small rodents. Oh, it could also mean that he’s accepting of Mormon Republicans because it’s a known fact that they are the most kinky ass sexual deviants- HOT! Look, all he is trying to say is he’s just an accepting, non-judgmental fellow! Stipulation: as long as you are accepting and non-judgmental towards him, so don’t get all weirded out when he asks you to fuck him with a glittery purple strap-on or when he invites his female “friend” into the bedroom. Heads up, bitches.

4. I’m a total smart-ass. = I’m a total asshole. He wants you to think he’s smart, witty, and with a biting edge. I admit, few can pull it off with some panache (e.g. Jon Stewart- hubba hubba!), but the majority are just boorish fucktards (e.g. The Situation from Jersey Shore- *vomits*) who think their immature quips are quirky and sardonic. These self-proclaimed smartasses tend to belittle others in an attempt to hide the fact they are insecure in their own intellect and self-worth, and therefore, put down others in order to make themselves feel better. They’ll even put you down and point out your flaws while trying to woo you. If reprimanded, he’ll play it off as if he’s just joking and it’s just him being sarcastic. If no one’s really laughing (I emphasize real because uncomfortable grunts should not be misconstrued as true laughter), take a hint, dude. No, sir, you are not a smartass; you’re just an asshole.

5. I’m an average guy = Being anything more than mediocre is just too much work for me. When did mediocrity become acceptable? Oh yes, when we were in grade school and the slow kids were rewarded for “Most Improved” in classes like Advanced Cursive Handwriting or Double Digit Arithmetic. Somewhere along the way, we Americans took pride in being “average” because if we set the bar very low, Little Johnny can feel good about himself when he is rewarded for achieving something slightly better than shit low standards. Everyone loves accolades in the form of gold stars and scratch-n-sniff stickers. As a result, they grow up to be Average Joes, proudly boasting on their dating profiles that they are just good ol’, everyday, down to earth gents in hopes that they can attract someone with similarly base expectations. Why? It’s easy, and God forbid they exert any extra effort because it requires um, effort. It’s also to cover their asses against any future nagging that remotely sounds as if you’re pushing them to be something better. It’s quite smart of them, actually. They put it out right from the beginning that they’re average, so you best not try to change them because they will tell your overachieving ass to back off.

Yup, so when you read “average”, it basically means you’re looking at a guy who’s well, AVERAGE:
– working with a 5.5″ penis (My vagina is no bat cave, but um really? Let’s hope he has magical tongue and fingers. Ooh I’ve heard of penis extending prostheses…)
– earning $32K/yr at a blue-collar 9-5 job (it’ll only take 3 years to save for that 4-Day Disney World vacation you both are dreaming!)
-completed only some college (where else would he have learned the indispensable skill of shotgunning beers?)
-rocking an IQ of 100 (that’s a whopping 15 points from being classified as having “borderline intellectual functioning”- whew, safe!)
-stands 5’10 and weighs in at 190lbs (it’s only 30lbs over the recommended healthy weight).

Stay tuned for more… (many, many more)…


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