Being best friends and living with my roommate for a couple of years, we pretty much know each other through and through. She’s either heard of or met every single Tom, Dick, and Harry I’ve dated. The best thing about our relationship is that there’s not much of a filter. And we know that having no filter can be pretty damn funny if you’re not easily offended. Oh, and no judgment. I think…

Roommate: Hey, I’m not calling you easy. I’m not particularly difficult myself.
Me: Glad we have no room to judge each other.

 

 

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It doesn’t matter how much the mother of your significant loves you; she’ll always love her child more. Can’t blame her, right? My roommate and her boyfriend were going on a hiking trip, and this is the mother’s message to her son:

Friend’s Angelic Mother: Dear, I love her, but she’s not the mother of your children. If she happens to fall into a crevasse during your climb and you may fall with her, cut the rope.

Lesson to be had: Don’t ever be dead weight. Ever.

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Sometimes, some relationships go stale in the bedroom. I suggest that if you’re starting to notice that the F-U-N is more like the F-U-N- in funeral, it’s time to break out the toys and porn, invite a third party, or just get a new relationship.

Roommate’s Boyfriend: Can you imagine having sex with a lifeless body?
Me: Yeah, there’s a term for that. It’s called…
Roommate: Marriage.

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Bisexual… Unisexual… Asexual… Heterosexual… It’s all the same!

I’ve pretty much dated guys from all religions and ethnic backgrounds. I always find the foreigners the most amusing. Maybe it’s because I’m easily intoxicated by the romanticism that different cultures bring. Maybe it’s because I find the unknown exotic and sexy. Maybe it’s because when their grasp of the English language blunders, it’s pretty funny.

The Lebanese: Do you remember him? I forgot his name. It’s the kind of name that’s… bisexual.
Me: Wait, what?
The Lebanese: You know, for men and women.
Me: Oh, you mean unisex.

 

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Sis: We just happen to not be afraid of emotions… with men, women have to fish and get them to open up without making them feel like a little bitch. 

So apparently, communication between two women is more productive because females don’t feel their womanhood is threatened when it comes to talking about emotions. Some men, on the other hand, have egos that are too fragile to handle the weight of such deep conversations. I have a solution for us heteros. We females should be nekkid when we want our men to be receptive while we’re having our “where our relationship is going” chats.

This is how men justify sitting through and listening to us

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So something I learned about online dating: if you have correct grammar usage and spelling with no childish emoticons and exclamation points all over your profile, you’re perceived as high maintenance and full of yourself. Oh, my bad, bro. I just wanted to come off as educated. Didn’t realize talkin’ good makes me look like a biaatch.

Run-On Dude: Sorry girl I just read ur profile u had me rolling ur funnier than crap little to high maintenance for me ur crazy as hell very superficial stuck on ur self and will be the crazy ass cat lady but at least u knew u made me laugh and ur pretty Damm cute ur just to Damm crazy

I would have been offended if he knew the difference between to and too. The flagrant disregard for correct spelling and diction somehow took off the edge, and well, he did say I’m cute! By the way, where the fuckhole are his punctuation marks?! Oh, and for your information, I’m going to be the “crazy ass DOG lady”.

Here’s a tip for all you single people: if you want to hook yourself a partner who doesn’t waste time on menial things like grammar and spelling (and probably flossing) and one who has an overall unambitious outlook on life, don’t list your credentials (e.g. job, education, goals). You’ll come off as an over-achieving asshole, mmmk?

Grammar

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Who needs spell check when I’m this awsome?!

Yeah, I admit I can be judgmental and picky when it comes to those I would consider dating/marrying. I’m not one of those who will settle for “good enough” because shouldn’t we all aspire for more than that if we want true happiness? We’re only talking about a lifetime commitment here (too idealistic?)

Spelling Slayer: dating you must be like dating a treadmill or like one of those hardcore southern baptist. Very judgemental…. as if you only look at what people have on paper and never the heart. Im pretty good at math… so here you go. judemental (sic) + over pickeness (sic) at your age = recipe for loniness (sic). Good Luck :)

So this gem with the spelling capacity of a 4th grader is saying that I should settle and do everyone a disservice because it’s better than to be LONELY at my decrepit age? I’m glad that he pointed out that he can do math because he sure as hell can’t spell worth a shit. I can do a little math myself: You + Dating Website + Time to judge me = You’re not doing so well either. How about You+ Spell check = a better world one word at a time?

 

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Ah, the touchy subject of marriage. Is it a right or a privilege? If you’re asking me, I believe in the equal opportunity for all consenting adults to marry. Want to wed your cousin? No prob, keep that bloodline pure, Jim Bob and Mary Sue Ellen! Same-sex marriage? Sure! Homosexual sex is sin-fully delicious! Love LOVE your dog a little more than the average person? Hold the fuck up; that shit is just wrong on all levels. I’m drawing the line here, you sick bastard!

Sis: But of course… you can marry your 1st cousin but not someone you love who happens to be the same gender. This actually isn’t a surprise, especially with all the southern states like Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, etc… nice. Makes a whole lot of frackin sense
Me: Wow, MS isn’t one of the states? That’s surprising! Guess they can just hop one state over and marry their AL cousins instead. Then head off to FL for their honeymoon where they’re welcomed!
States allowing cousins to marry

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Me: Ppl are fkn delusional. When I hear “fit”, “athletic”, “good looking”… I really expect those things. It’s really not that subjective.
Sis: LOL. yea
Me: if you got 2 chins & beer gut, you’s aint fit nor athletic
Sis: do you express that sentiment? lol
Me: Some ppl have too much high self esteem. That’s what happens when you reward “most improved” kids in elementary school
Sis: roflmfao. yea…
Me: Yeah, they turn out to be delusional adults
Sis: we’re America… we’re fat, lazy, stupid & awesome all at the same time
Me: Who cant tell between borderline obesity and FIT? Just cuz you can FIT into your car, doesnt make you fit. Just cuz you can FIT into your XXXXXL tshirt doesn’t make you fit! omigoddddddd

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My sister and I chat online throughout the workday, so we manage to talk about everything and with no filter. We couldn’t be more polar opposite, so discussions can end up quite heated or full of LOLs. To give you an insight, she’s a gay, vegetarian, bleeding heart liberal who majored in English because she was following her passion, while I’m a beef-loving conservative who double majored in science because there’s a healthy job market for that. The thing we both have in common is neither of us are using our degrees. Oh, and we have both have pretty funny and awkward dating stories.

Sis: Did you know that most of the vitamins you ingest just come out? your body doesn’t really absorb them
Me: no shit, English major
Sis: so why bother? eat better. AND I worked in pharm for almost 12yrs, I know a lil something, OKAY???? dang.
Me: haha ok
Sis: always lookin/talkin down on me… my degree is good… for… like… well…
Me: chatting on IM. with me. during work hours. and not making me want to gouge out my eyes with bad grammar.
Sis: hahaha. yea, thanks. I’m glad I could be of service. I say I’ve an English degree and girls like it… I tell them I’m a writer and they like it
Me: yeah? I tell men I’m a microbiologist and that I have gonorrhea and in my fridge.  They don’t seem to be impressed

I also like to comment that my roommate has HIV and herpes in her fridge. Between the two of us (she likes virus, while I prefer bacteria), we’ve got the nasty sex diseases covered. If I really don’t like my date, I tell him that I have access to a plethora of STDs at my fingertips (at least they’re not in my vag, right?).

STD match

 

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