There was a time before online dating that I thought old men were cute in an endearing way. Aside from the few curmudgeons here and there, geriatrics seem chill and wise, and they’re usually full of enjoyable conversations. Yeah well, I no longer think this way. I now realize that males stop being cute pass the age of 8. Their window of adorableness is extremely short-lived, and their creepiness extends until they die.

As to not waste anyone’s time since I know I’m not willing to change anyone’s diapers any time soon, I’ve capped any potential suitor’s age at 40. A 10 year range is a healthy buffer, I thought. Since this is online, though, a ton of people choose to disregard any stipulations because hey, there’s no one policing who’s being extremely inappropriate. Oh and dammit, I’m no longer a minor to be afforded child protective laws.

Why Gramps thought it was OK to contact me is puzzling. What Gramps wrote is vomit-inducing. He’s 66 years old. Let me repeat, 66. That’s 26 years above my maximum for those who can’t do basic arithmetic.

Gramps: Hi and good to meet you. I travel regularly for business, it gets plenty lonely and so I’m looking for some nsa fun and a discreet play partner. I’m intelligent, funny, caring but with a definite wild and horny side. I promise I’m not some creep or psycho but decent, nice and honest. Let me know if you want to chat, get acquainted, possibly meet. Thanks.

Let’s break down the issues I have aside from him being the ripe ol’ age of 66:

1. I travel regularly for business: Why are you still working? Seriously, shouldn’t you be retired?

2. I’m looking for some nsa fun and a discreet play partner: Erm, I’m looking for a relationship with lots and lots of strings attached and one where I can gloat about in the company of friends and family without eliciting an averse reaction. The thought of being with someone older than my parents is extremely nauseating- ACK!

3. I’m intelligent, funny, caring but with a definite wild and horny side: AHHHH, MY EYES!! Must. get. mental. image. erased. immediately.

4.  I promise I’m not some creep or psycho: Uh… I care to differ. You are the epitome of creep, Gramps.

The sad thing is, Gramps isn’t the only one who’s way beyond my age preference who tries to “get acquainted,” so I get quite a few emails. They normally start off with “I know I’m above your age range…” and usually ends with something to the effect of “… but you should give me a try because I’ll change your mind about older men.” Nope, nope, nopepitty, nopers. I’ve dabbled in the Older Man thing once, and my curious nature has yet to resurface. I suppose these old geezers think, “Hey, I don’t have much time left on earth. What have I got to lose?! There’s bound to be girls with a fetish for old, saggy balls and the smell of Bengay!”

Old men

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I’m grateful to have a built-in BullShit meter that is relatively accurate. The sad part is, though, it goes off too often when I’m on dates. I allow some leeway when it comes to men inflating their egos with little white lies, but please, don’t push it too far. No one likes the stench of bullshit during dinner, especially during a meal she was enjoying. I’ve been served unwanted side dishes of “Oh, by the way, I’m married” to a whole entree of “I’m tired of dating models.” No, this was not from a movie, and yes, there are men who use this line.

Models

Who even says crap like this?? Am I supposed to be impressed or grateful that you’ve crossed over to the dark side and have given “regular” girls like me a chance? Oh gee, oh golly! See, I believe only insecure douchebags would feel the need to divulge this. If you were seriously the type who can date models, you’d probably not say anything at all and just stop dating them if you were tired of their vapid personalities. But no, you think by telling me this, it makes you look desirable- news flash: false. Instead, you are now viewed as a pathetic showboat who is desperately crying for validation. Sure, in the off chance that models are into short dweebs, why would you even bring this up when you’re trying to woo someone?

I should have asked him to divulge a bit. What kind of models? Hand models? XL models? Men, here’s a tip: if you want to be taken seriously by a woman, don’t spew out dumb shit. First, think about who is your audience, OK? Some things you can tell your boys and receive hi-5s, while saying the same thing in front of a female will get a kick in the nads. Second, ask yourself if what you’re about to say will increase your likelihood of getting into her panties. No? Then shut your piehole.

SchlongIn retrospect (I need to think more quickly on my feet!), I should have told him I was tired of dating dudes with huge schlongs, and congratulations, he seems like the perfect candidate to inaugurate the change.

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I’ve seen countless guys who post outdated photos alongside more recent ones, and that makes me wonder why they don’t have better judgment. Do they expect me to think, “Aww, he used to be good looking!”? Or do they want me to see their potential should time suddenly travel backwards and they miraculously lose those flanking love handles, their hairline slides down 2 inches, and the detrimental effects of UV rays and gravity are no longer visible? I get why people would post only outdated photos of them in their heyday, but why would you allow me to play the “identify what’s different” with your pictures? Here’s a tip: don’t use photos where one is taken with a digital camera alongside those taken with film 15 years ago. We can tell.

That’s one gripe we online daters normally have, but there’s an even more seedy new trend emerging. Studies show that profiles with more than 3 photos solicit more responses from potential suitors than profiles that have less. The more photos one has, the likelihood of accurate representation increases. Also, it’s been proven that main profile photo matters immensely. It’s the shiny lure we all use to coax people to visit our profile. People know this, so they use it to their advantage by posting the most attractive photo possible. Well, that’s suppose to be the idea anyway. However, some men have taken it up a notch. They post a photo of an extremely attractive person, but that person isn’t them. This is the “bait and switch”, ladies. I don’t know about you guys, but I notice these glaring discrepancies.

PhotoDeceiver is one such person. He instant messaged me, but before I responded, I read his profile first. Everything read well enough- no red flags. Well, that is until I went to look at his photos. Main profile photo: two handsome, relatively young, fit males with great smiles. Second, third, and fourth photos… not so much. Why? Because these photos looked absolutely NOTHING like either guys in the main photo. Uh, the man in the latter pictures look more like the older brother of the two (and by brother, I mean adopted because there was no transfer of the handsome gene). I couldn’t resist responding to him and see what’s his ploy.

PhotoDeceiver: hello …
Me: Hello
PhotoDeceiver: great smile nice profile up for chatting?
Me: thank you for the compliment. who are the guys in your main profile photo?
PhotoDeceiver: Me at a game. why you like that pic best? How’s this site been did you (hmm been did. I must have not paid attention when this tense was covered in English class)
Me: Oh, it is a great photo but I’m asking who the guys are because neither of them look like you in the other photos you’ve posted. It just looks as if it doesn’t belong with the rest. Got an explanation for that? I get wary on this site. I have no patience for anything that remotely seems deceiving. This site has been… overwhelming. There’s a lot of b.s. to sift through
PhotoDeceiver: Too much bs on here (uh yeah, and you’re one of the reasons). I have plenty of pics on my phone if we get that far lol. I am a straight shooter not a back and forth message guy
Me: Ah, too bad bc I’m a back and forth type of girl, so this won’t work. I suggest you not use someone else’s photo if you want to cut that b.s. you’re mentioning

Bullshit

Way to avoid being called out on your bullshit,”straight shooter”. Yeah, as if I want to exchange phone numbers to see more crappy photos to corroborate with the fact that you are using a fake profile photo to reel in the ladies. Some men are such idiots by thinking women will overlook this deceit and welcome his advances. Move along, move along…

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I’m the type of female who is not overly sensitive and consider my life pretty much drama-free. My personality has never been described as feminine, and I’m actually quite proud of that (I’m not going to even try to be politically correct. We are all well aware of the “female” stereotypes. I’m just saying for the most part, my personality isn’t um, stereotypical. Physically, however, I have tig-ol’-bitties, a small waist, and birthing hips. Can’t get more feminine than that). Also, I don’t need to talk about my feelings often, and I actually enjoy alone time too. So when it comes to men, I require the type who’s more rational and analytical than emotional. I guess you can say I want someone who has similar personality traits as mine but with a more masculine skew (bring the testosterone and body hair!). I have a strong personality, so men who aren’t comfortable with themselves end up being emasculated in my presence- my bad; sorry I’m not sorry. Oh, I also have the need to mention that I abhor men who are artsy-fartsy and are easily moved to tears by something “beautiful”.

Eyeroll

There is no need for a man to be too much in tune with his feminine side. There should only be one vagina in my romantic relationship (and by default, it’s going to be mine), OK? Men who are overly open with their feelings just seem effeminate to me! There is no way I can get wet for a man when I feel as if I’m the more manly of the two. This leads me to BitchBoy:

BitchBoy: Hi, I’m on here looking to find someone who I can feel safe with, since most of the time I feel very scared. I’m working on becoming stronger… maybe you can help me. Take a look at my profile and if you’like what you see maybe we can chat? 

Dude, un-tuck your penis and grow a pair! What do you mean you’re scared most of the time, and why do you feel the need to confess this to me? Do you see dead people or hear voices telling you to eat babies? I am pretty clear at expressing the type of person I am and the type I’m looking for on my profile, so why this gentleman contacted me with this message is beyond me. Wait, maybe it’s because I come off as masculine and he’s innately feminine, so he naturally felt a draw towards me? Er, no. Buh-bye now.

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Even though it’s 2014, there are still a lot of people who are wary of the online dating thing. Some think photos and self-summaries are too revealing to strangers. Others think using an online dating service may seem too desperate. For me, I am afraid of cyber bumping into someone I know. And of course as life would have it, that’s just exactly what happened.

Like most mornings, I woke up, made myself a cup of coffee, sat down at my laptop, and checked my emails. I was using eHarmony, so each morning it felt a little bit like waking up on Christmas. I would get that giddy feeling as I eagerly anticipate who my new matches are. Could today be the day I meet the guy who’ll make me laugh, challenge me to be a better person, and love me in all the right ways?! 

Much like Tim Tebow’s football career, my excitement and optimism were quickly changed to disappointment and embarrassment. At that awkward moment, I realized I was matched with my platonic friend/ex co-worker.

Facepalm

I was actually seeing someone when we first started working together, so the thought of dating each other never even crossed my mind. Well, besides the fact that I was 100% not attracted to him. To give you a visual, he would be considered a “bear” if he were gay. I’m just not into big, burly men with high pitch voices. I don’t know what bothered me more: the fact that he was always on some diet, or the fact that his voice was abnormally high for a man of his stature. Whatever the case, I wasn’t interested. Gay bear

After I left the said workplace, we remained friends and hung out once in a while. By then, I was single, so he would kinda sorta flirt, but I never reciprocated, so there would have been no confusion there. Everything was fine-ish until goddamn eHarmony. I chose to ignore its proclaimed accurate match-making algorithm and pretended I never even received the darn email… until he messaged me.

Ah, my good ol’ friend suggested that since eHarmony thought it was a good idea we date, then maybe we should try it out. My stomach violently churned as I composed an email that I hoped to be a gentle rejection. I jokingly said,”There was obviously a mistake because as if we would make a good match!” Ha-ha? Maybe it wasn’t gentle enough because we never hung out again, although we’re still Facebook friends; so maybe it wasn’t that harsh?

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Women are always saying how they would love to meet an honest man, since honest men are so difficult to find. Well ladies, if honesty is what you seek, I’ve got just the guy for you! Well, if you can look past a few minor details:

BrokeButHonest: New to the area and pretty much looking for a sugar momma to help me out while I try to transition to a new city. Not afraid to work but have honestly sold drugs my whole life. Dont wanna live like that anymore so Im doing what I can to kick my past. Im halfway smart like to read have a GED and College Certificate in electrical suck at video games but like them love movies (good ones pteferably pre 2010) love movies a lot as my life has been loveless for sometime. Besides that not a lot to say

Of the thousands of people I’ve met in my life, at most maybe a couple have openly admitted to not being the sharpest tool in the shed. Don’t you notice how everyone complains how everyone else is so stupid? Never are they part of the league of dumbasses. That’s why I find this young lad to be rather refreshing. If he didn’t tell me he was a proud recipient of some type of electrical certificate (I don’t believe there are programs in electrical sucking. Then again, I could be wrong), I would have taken him for a pharmacist with the drug selling and all. A pity that he’s not much of a talker, too. There are only so many movies to distract me from the fact that he’s “halfway smart” and looking for a handout despite being “not afraid to work”.

If only he was more attractive. I’m sure there are some wealthy, old ladies who could use a boy toy who knows how to score some high quality coke.

Sharpest Tool

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When it comes to telling little white lies or being straight up deceitful, it doesn’t matter the gender, ethnicity, or sexual orientation of the people online. They ALL do it to some extent- except me, of course. Apparently, my sister experienced the same dating bullshit in the gay world too. Surprise surprise. Not.

Fat CatSis: I met one UPenn lawyer who sent me a pic that looks like 10yrs prior (at least) but she’s about 10-15lbs heavier now… that’s being conservative, prob like 20lbs. she was really smart, obviously, UPenn law and biz and all
Me:  yeah but you don’t want anything to do with her fat cat. sooooo… friend zone.

WHY do people do that? You don’t think anyone will notice a difference when you meet up in person? Do you think the magical lighting and angle you used to take your photos will recreate itself at the coffee shop and like magic, your 20 lb worth of jelly rolls and receding hairline will disappear? Or do you think your dates will get so sloshed at the bar that they’ll make an exception for you just this once? Geez, I can’t get off my soapbox when it comes to this! I’ve gone on dates with men who are shocked that I am exactly as I portray myself because evidently, people who desperately hold on to past glory days run rampant online. Regretfully, being honest is not the norm.

This is why I Skype before heading out the door to meet a person. It’s much easier and less awkward to click the “End Call” button than to ask for the tab and run out of the establishment. Once though, I found myself bored and at the last minute, met up with a guy after a quick chat. He was fit in his photos but when he showed up at the bar, his buttons looked as if they were about to pop. Not fibbing, folks. I totally deserved being conned for not doing my due diligence. After the first drink, my foul mood did not subside, and I just didn’t feel like I had to sit through this bullshit, so I told him this wasn’t going to work out. We were supposed to meet up at the bar and head out to the club, but since he misled me, I sent his chunky ass home. Yes, I seriously said, “You should leave because I just text my friend to come get me.” That was harsh, I know. Hey ya’ll, he done did fucked up, so he should know, right? What’s really pathetic about this situation was while I was at the club, Fatty Mcgoo text me to ask if he can join. :(

Look, I’m not a totally superficial bitch. I just don’t like being lied to, OK? Can’t start a relationship that begins by being misled. And I also have no attraction to bodies that move in wave-like motions.

Bitch

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In the beginning, I tried to respond to everyone who emails me just to be courteous- even if it is to say I’m not interested. I know that whenever I contact someone and don’t get a response, I feel pretty shitty. What? I’m not even worth a “no thank you, miss”? I tried to avoid making others feel bad about themselves if I can help it. See, I’m like a saint in some ways. However, this practice quickly had to halt. I learned that a lot of men will disregard the content of your email and will try to dissuade you of your disinterest. What happens next is you responding with another awkward dismissal only to have him make yet another feeble attempt to give him a shot. Sadly, this can go on indefinitely. This is where persistence doesn’t always pay off. As a matter of fact, it can be remarkably time-consuming and irksome.

Chance

The only solution? Ignore. Pretend you never even read the damn email or received the instant message. The second you open the line of communication, the person thinks there’s a chance. Just save yourself from unnecessary annoyance. Disclaimer: ignoring does not guarantee cessation of email bombardment from persistent people:

1. Mr Hello: Redundancy is the way to a woman’s heart. Not.

 

Hello

2. Mr. Fireman: If you’re not interested, do you have any friends who would be??? Nope.

Firefighter

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I normally look for men to date who I feel are on the same footing as I in terms of age, education, and economic status. The only hiccup there is I haven’t found anyone I jive with enough to make it serious. Frustrated? You betcha. No problem; cue roommate:

Roommate: All these fucking guys are like little boys. Seriously, you need to date an older man. With money. If you’re going to be heart broken, at least be wined and dined first. 

Because she has some awesome power over me, and frankly, has a goddamn good point, I did as I was told and signed up on a match-making site where millionaires go to find a significant other. Mind you, I didn’t have the intention of being the next Anna Nicole Smith looking for a sugar daddy. I was just curious to see who else was out there and honestly, slightly desperate to find a new scene since what I’ve been doing obviously hasn’t been working out. To my surprise, the pool of men weren’t all that creepy or decrepit. Sure, the majority are in their 50s or later, but for the most part, they were all seemingly well-educated, refined, and stable. Could this be the goldmine that I’ve been overlooking???!

SugarDaddy

Pretty much immediately, I received a few responses to my profile. A few propositioned me for sex in turn for “gifts”. Um, no thanks. I’m not much for whoring myself. I rather give it away for free in exchange for some saved dignity. That’s just how I prefer to roll, OK? After sorting through tons of gray hair and wrinkled faces, I ended up responding to good ol’ Richard. He didn’t come off as looking for a sugar baby but more of searching for a real companion. For this I was grateful because I was getting fed up with the pervs who wanted to use their monthly prescription of Viagra on me. I thought,”What the heck! He’s as good a start as any other!” Let the communication commence.

After several long emails of introduction and questions, I found that Richard was a hot shot 52 yr old lawyer from Beverly Hills who was fit and had all his hair, divorced for 14 years, father of an 18 yr old daughter, and for a hobby, was an avid pilot. I’d have to say, our “courting” was rather different. He asked questions that were more substantial than what I was used to from younger guys (e.g. So what are your plans for this weekend? Are your friends as hot as you? Got any more pics to share?). He seemed to really want to get to know me and respected that I wasn’t just the run of the mill gold digger. Yay!

Like all relationships that start on the internet, there will always be a time when they want to meet in person. At first he wanted to fly me there, but I refused since I didn’t want to feel as if I’m accepting a gift of sorts. He then offered to fly his private jet to come see me. Alright, sure. You come see me, so I won’t feel as if I owe you anything. Deal.

I’m not going to lie. I felt super awkward about this. Did I seriously think something romantic can happen with someone who was 25 years my senior? Granted he didn’t look like a grandpa per se, but the age disparity wasn’t exactly understated either. Before I had the chance to talk myself out of this, my roommate gave me the push I needed to go through with meeting him in person. Go and have fun, she said. There’s nothing to lose, she said. Uh-huh…

I picked up good ol’ Richard from the airport, and I chose to go downtown and get some ice cream. Nothing like a crowded public place to stay safe, got it ladies?! As we were sitting and talking, he reached over to hold my hand. Dude, the first thing that crossed my mind was, “Eek! No! What will people think?! Stop invading my personal space!” Yeah, obviously not a good sign if I wanted this to go somewhere, right? Hindsight…

Spending a couple of hours for a getting-to-know-you chat, we decided to have dinner at a local Thai restaurant. Conversation went well, and I was actually loosening up and enjoying his company. We discussed a myriad of intellectually stimulating subjects until a young couple walked through the door. He looks at them and says to me, “They’re obviously fucking.” I nearly choked on my vegetarian pad thai noodles. Oy, can we say inappropriate and disgusting? I quipped that they could be platonic friends. He refused to believe that and iterated, “No, he’s definitely fucking the hell out of her.” Double oy! So what if they are? Why should you give two shits about that, you deprived old geezer? I think it was at this point I began to fixate on his gray hair, deep set wrinkles, and the loose skin that slightly bunched at his neck. *shivers* Thankfully, we only stayed several more uncomfortable minutes before he paid for the meal with his black Amex. I suppose I was to be impressed. I wasn’t.

Things got a little more unnerving after I took him back to his hotel. Again, in hindsight, I should have dropped his ass at the curb, but I walked him up to his room. I sat in the single chair as to not give him any ideas. That’s when shit really got disturbing.

Wait for it… wait for it…

He pulled out a piece of paper and said, “I brought this in case we decided to get romantic. It’s my test results to let you know I’m clean.” OMFG. A) How damn presumptuous and B) FUCKING EW! Alrighty, time to bounce. Peace out, homie.

Ah

The next afternoon, I picked him up to take him back to his airport. Yes, I’m pretty damn courteous to go back aren’t I? I think he got the hint that this was going nowhere because he didn’t mention anything inappropriate on our drive. He just told me he was disappointed I didn’t stay for a few drinks at the bar with him. Boo-freaking-hoo. Shouldn’t have turned all creepilicious on me, you old Dick. Thank you for spending a day and several grand to gas up your jet to teach me that I need to be way more into money to settle for a horny, old fogie- no matter how educated or “refined”.

Never again. I was curious, so I tried it out, but I was left feeling ill, so now I’m done.

Moral of the story #1: No matter the age, most males are horny, disgusting bastards. However, this is permissible if you find him attractive. Otherwise, it’s just fucking infuriating.

Moral of the story #2: If you’re not a gold digger, you most likely won’t last one date with someone who has saggy balls. You’ll lose your stomach contents.

Gag

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It’s pretty darn rare to get an email from a female, but when I do, it’s almost always entertaining. The first time was from a burned woman. Evidently, she massed emailed all the females in the area warning us of her deadbeat ex and how he abandoned her and their newborn. You should understand why I found this extremely entertaining. The said deadbeat ended up being none other than our Mr. Harvard. I can’t even make up this shit! When I asked him about it, he unsurprisingly denied the story and swore she’s just a crazy ex who just can’t let go. Hell hath no fury, right ladies?

DearJohn

Then there’s this gem who later came along:

Lady Coquette: Hi there! I enjoyed your profile and think you’re very beautiful :-). I realize this is out of the blue….but I have a b/f and I wondered if you might possibly be open to exploring with a couple….If not I understand…..though I do hope you’re at least curious…

I politely thanked her for the compliment and responded that my curious days are over. I suggested she check out swinger sites and wished them luck. However, she was more persistent than I expected:

Lady Coquette: Hmmm any way I could persuade you “out of retirement”? Lol. 

Apparently, women are like men when it comes to dating sites. If you respond to them (despite saying you’re not interested), they take it as they still have a shot. *sigh*

3some

 

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