It’s simple to deduce that I’m a dog lover from my profile. I talk about having and wanting a dog, and there are a couple of photos with me and some 4-legged furry friends. Men who pay attention use this information to get noticed and admittedly, I fall for it at times. Other times, though, some guys just manage to make it exceptionally… weird.

Puppy Love: I wish I was your puppy, so you could hold me the way you hold your puppy. :) I could be your puppy.

His repeated use of the word “puppy” made his email a tad bit strange, right? Did he fear his point would fly over my head? Does he think iteration is the key to a girl’s heart? Too bad I’m not in the market for a man-canine; otherwise, I would have been interested in a butt-sniffing, poop-eating, ball-licking dog boy.

Puppy

 

This video is adorable if you overlook the fact that the person is gingerly caressing the puppy’s mouth… WTF?

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Aahhhh, what is in a name? No one has asked this question as woefully as poor, little Juliet… well, until me, that is. It’s pretty apparent I nitpick- down to the username on dating profiles. I know, I know- I can be ridiculous. I just seem to notice all that is awful and absurd- no matter how minute. What can I say? I have a gift for these things! One’s username is not the end-all, but it can definitely tip the scale one way or the other. For me, a witty or punny name can give you an edge over Jon1234 or BobSmith, thereby increasing your chances that I’ll respond. Sadly, however, the opposite effect can certainly happen too. I’ve only come across a handful of names that are so off-putting that I refuse to respond. Most of the time, though, I just laugh or shake my head in disdain. Here are my recent “favorites”:

1. ricosuavelover – To be taken seriously, Gerardo himself has tried to shake off this “tasty and smooth” persona since the 90s, bro. There’s no reason you should want to emulate him. Besides, if you don’t have 6 pack abs and long, flowing hair, don’t go there.

RicoSuave

2. bigdaddyrick – Unless you’re a bi-sexual red-neck character in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, please don’t refer to yourself as Big Daddy. There is nothing alluring about envisioning a fat, dying, misogynistic Southern hillbilly.

BigDaddy

3. fithairgenious – Well, I’ll give it to him. He’s fit. He has hair. But he’s no genius. *smh*

SMH

4. not_a_ceo_or_vp – Nothing wrong with a little honesty, folks. At least he’s giving the gold diggers a heads up, so they won’t waste their time on him. How thoughtful of him!

Suit

5. woodiuserectus – This must be a subspecies of humans whose lineage traces back to Homo sapiens ignoramus.

HomoErectus

 

6. MrAsianBoyany man who wants to be treated like a man shouldn’t call himself a boy. I don’t want to conjure an image of a child or some weird Japanese businessmen homoerotic fetish. What? Was MrAsianMan taken??

asianboy

 

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It has been a good while since I posted my inaugural diatribe on dating, My Top 3 Issues with Online Dating Profiles. I feel I am doing my audience and myself an injustice to stop there, considering I have many, many more issues concerning this topic. Over the years, I began to feel as if I’m Goldi-fucking-locks when it comes to reading men’s profiles. “It’s too boring, it’s too contrived, there’s too much information, there’s not enough information, what was he thinking with that photo?, he’s too cheesy, his standards are delusional,” etc., etc., so on and so forth… Sure, I try to be empathetic since I’ve had to do the same exact thing, but there’s no excuse for your profile to totally suck donkey dick, OK?

Putting yourself out there and writing about who you are from your perspective isn’t the easiest of tasks (but it isn’t exactly the most difficult either). Most people just aren’t that introspective. For those who do try, there’s always that battle between wanting to put your best foot forward but not wanting to come off as a braggart. Then there’s the whole hurdle of sorting through photos that show you in the best lighting with the most exciting background to take the attention off of your bald spot. Above all that, you’re trying to figure out what the woman on the other end wants to read about about you. Attempting to cater to a stranger is tough, so don’t even bother. Just try to be you- but better and more interesting.

So if you have no idea if your profile is as enticing as a dog shit sandwich, make sure you’re not committing the following offenses (continued):

Attractive

4. Plenty of photos but no written content: Buddy, I don’t care how good looking you think you are or how you believe in the adage  “pictures are worth a thousand words,” you need to write a thing or two about yourself. Here is your glorious chance to showcase your writing abilities. Display some wit and humor. Reveal that you have depth to your personality. Delve a little into your dreams and aspirations. Just give us a little something to make us feel that you’re not some goddamn serial killer with a poop-eating fetish. Seriously, when we females go to your profile and only see photos, we’re most likely thinking, a) this tool is so full of himself. these pictures are probably not even of him and/or b) this vapid idiot probably has the personality of a tranquilized baboon. If you’re serious about meeting someone who’s serious about dating, then be serious about adding content that’s significant. Seriously. Just be careful not to commit my pet peeve #2.

5. Plenty of content but no photos: This is another problem that chaps my ass! Conversely, I don’t care how awesome your profile reads; why are you not posting photos of yourself? What are you trying to hide, mister? Are you too ashamed or embarrassed about some disfigured physical attribute? Or are you afraid to be caught on an online dating site? What? Oh, you too good or sumpin’? As much as we try to convince ourselves that we’re not superficial creatures, when it comes to dating… we humans are a bunch of superficial sons of bitches. Everyone needs to know if he or she wants to bump uglies should their personalities click. Looks aren’t everything, but I sure as hell ain’t gonna drop my panties for someone I think is oogley. Also, who’s to judge what’s good looking or not? Don’t be shy. There’s bound to be someone who thinks you’re the bee’s knees. My motto is, “There’s a lid for every pot out there,” so help me know if I want your lid on my pot!

Google

6. Plenty of crappy content and equally crappy photos: See what I mean about being like Goldi-fucking-locks? Look, I’m not that much of a judgmental asshole. I’m talking about profiles where they’re typing just to type and fill up space. It’s all generic content that doesn’t say anything about who they are or give the reader any insight. Oh, you’re nice? That’s good. You don’t like to kick puppies then? You like to read? That could mean the back of cereal boxes, bro. The one thing that irks me the most is when it’s obvious he’s writing to cater to what he thinks women want to read. You enjoy walking on the beach and slow dancing in the kitchen while you’re cooking dinner? Your favorite movie is The Notebook, and your specialty is pleasing the girl of your dreams? Give me a break, you pussy. Reading this type of hogwash together with viewing horrible photos (e.g. up close of a tattoo, you with 5 other guys so I have no idea which one you are, same photo but different angles, you posing with an expensive car that you don’t own) make for a whopping shit show of an online dating profile!

ApparentlyMessage me

 

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I’ll be frank: I will NOT consider dating a 20-something year old. It was bad enough dating them when I was in my 20s; I can’t fathom much has changed in terms of maturity and mentality. They either have slapstick humor that I find totally obnoxious, or they’re desperately trying to prove to me how much they have their shit together and they’re way more mature than their contemporaries. Besides that, a 10 year age gap (when the guy is the younger one)  is just… not right. Don’t go saying, “age is just a number” either. When I was 20, he was 10. Ew, but perhaps I’ll consider a 50yr old when I’m 60. Anyway, despite putting on my profile that I prefer 33-40 yr olds, it doesn’t deter these youths. I know I look about 5-8 years younger than my true age, but that doesn’t make me want to be with someone who IS actually young. I know I’m casting the net wide when I say 20-something year olds are immature, but seriously, it holds true most of the time. Case in point:

Youngin’:You must have farted cuz your profile just blew me away…

See that? I don’t want to waste my time with this drivel. It ain’t cute, and it definitely ain’t gonna get a serious response, child! Now go play with someone your own age and leave my granny ass alone.

No Time

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There are times when I’m sitting at my laptop casually watching cutesy puppy videos or reading hilarious comments on Yahoo! articles (I don’t really spend time reading the actual articles because they’re shitty excuses for journalism. the comments are what’s entertaining) and find myself wanting another form of distraction. That’s when I sign onto my dating profile and open the chat function and I wait for something to bite. Yup, I open the gates to see if anyone worthwhile will come through. Most of the time, I prefer live chat over email because I can find out things about a person within a couple of minutes instead of daaaaays. If I’m lucky, an instant connection is made, and we’ve just saved ourselves some valuable time. However, when I’m unlucky, I run into idiots like this:

Familiar

Liar Liar: Hey, you look familiar. Where do you live?
Me: nah, I just look like every other person
Liar Liar: No that’s not it. Where did you grow up?
Me: grew up in CA.
Liar Liar:  Me too. *me: coughs bullshit* Which city?
Me: Long Beach
Liar Liar: Me too. *me: coughs coughs bullshit* Where do you live now?
Me: my profile says where I live. What’s your name?
Liar Liar: Leonardo
Me: Doesn’t ring a bell
Liar Liar:  Why would it?
Me: Uh, you tell me we both grew up in the same state and same city and that I look familiar. You’re seriously asking why I would try to make that connection?
Liar Liar:  I meant I think I’ve seen you around. so where do you live now?
Me: When do you think you saw me last in Long Beach?
Liar Liar:  Maybe several years ago
Me: Hmm… that’s interesting because I haven’t been back in 20 years.
Liar Liar: Oh that’s good. Where do you live?
Me: Why don’t you enlighten me on how that’s good???
Liar Liar: so where are you now?
Me: Omg, you make absolutely no sense

I wasn’t in the mood to continue this pointless conversation, so I ended it here. In hindsight, I’m now curious to find out what his motive was. Hmm…

What I find amusing is this nitwit’s profile reads: I’m really good at: Cutting through the BS to the truth. I’m thinking he should rewrite it to, “I’m really good at: flinging BS and trying to pass it as truth,” to be more accurate. And why did he keep asking where I live???? I’ve only given out my address twice- once to get my$1 million dollar check from an online sweepstakes that has yet to come, and another time to help a Nigerian prince safely get his money into a US bank account. Unless you’re a reputable source sending me money like the aforementioned, where I dwell is none of your goddamn business!

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We both know a blog that recounts how fabulously awesome dating is will be nowhere near as entertaining as one that talks about its shitty reality. I’m going to stick with what I know, and boy do I know a thing or two about the horrors of being single and dating. Honestly, after receiving a handful of emails that aren’t appalling or entertaining in some strange, sick, perverted way, I’m left a little disappointed and wanting. Maybe I’ve been conditioned to expect nothing but that. Anyway, thanks to Jimbo, he curbed that feeling.

Jimbo: I’d crawl across ten miles of broken glass, just to lick the lugnut on the truck that takes your panties to the cleaners. 

I’m assuming Jimbo is attempting to be funny. Instead, he came off as uber frightening, and I got a traumatizing mental image of his wiry frame slithering across the ground with his dark beady eyes and flickering tongue. *shivers* You’re welcome.

 

Lugnut

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Admittedly, online dating isn’t always horrific. Emails aren’t always deplorably written, and the guy on the other end can actually be funny, educated, and handsome (much like the mystic unicorn). After about 70 depressing posts, I decided to shake it up a bit and post a winning article and not one that makes you want to swig a bottle of Drano.

JohnnyDimples: NOW THATS A F*CKIN PROFILE!!! You shouldn’t consider changing a thing on it! From where I’m standing you have just the right amount of sarcasm and cynicism going…way more than most girls have the guts to show, but you didn’t push it too far. You seem way cool, way hot, way fun and just the right amount of crazy. 

Hmm, no misspelling or split infinitives- YES! I would also like to point out that he censored the curse word in his email- that shows some major class on his part.

Ok, maybe being called “the right amount of crazy” isn’t exactly the crème de la crème of compliments, but it sure beats the other crap I’ve been receiving. I’ll go ahead and give myself a pat on the back anyway.

Yes

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As if we don’t have enough words in the English dictionary to describe the mundane things in our lives, this self-described old dude decides to invent one.  I don’t care if this mistake was due to haste because he doesn’t have much time left here on earth or because it was 4:30 pm and he had to run to catch the early bird special.

Old Guy Robert: Very beautiful. Would you concide a white guy a little older??

This is what it’s like when I hear people speak or read emails with made-up words:

stop

Is Robert asking me if I’d consider an older white guy, or is he asking me if I consider a white guy a little older than…? Irregardless, I refuse to conversate with him.

I can’t consider to concede when we don’t coincide.

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If you’ve never perused the “Missed Connections” section of Craigslist, you’re in for a treat! It’s a type of personal ad that’s placed by people who feel they have missed an opportunity to make a connection with a stranger who has caught their eye. It is in the hopes that the other person reads it and contacts them- a second chance if you will. I enjoy reading these because sometimes it’s really cute and sweet, and most of the times it’s just plain hilarious. I was always just a spectator until my flight one fateful evening…

I had a flight from D.C. when I noticed an extremely handsome guy across the baggage carousel. He was eyeing me as I was eyeing him, but I was just too darn chicken shit to make a move. As you may have guessed, it turned out to be a missed connection. Did I just let it go, though? Heck no! What if this guy could be the one I’ve been waiting for?! I decided to place an ad and cross my fingers. That’s when a guy who called himself William responded. After the first email exchange, we realized we were not each other’s missed opportunity (I was not a “hot black girl” nor was he a “tall dark hair guy”). Still, we clicked well and continued corresponding, eventually exchanging Skype information (that’s video chat for those of you who live under a rock).

Willy and I  lived a  thousand miles apart, so we found ourselves resorting to video chat as our primary form of communication. Over time, our innocent flirtatious messages became a little more… lascivious. A strip tease here, a flash of the goods there, we were having ourselves a little fun. It lasted until I found him to be a little shady when it came to withholding personal information (e.g. Facebook account name). If a dude doesn’t tell you his first and last name after a month of talking, something’s up, ladies! Doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to sniff that out really. As my rule of thumb goes, if something doesn’t seem right, odds are it isn’t. That was pretty much the end of that until he randomly Skype-called me about a week later.

Willy boy was his jovial self and shirtless, may I add, when I answered. However, I think in his haste to take off his shirt to show off his 6 pack abs, he forgot to take off his… WEDDING BAND. Ah, that makes perfect sense now doesn’t it? If I was messing around with other girls and didn’t want my wife to know, I wouldn’t use my real name either.

ring

Married Will: Hey, how have you been? I miss our chats.
Me: *notices ring* Aw, yeah? I’ve been well. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask, and be honest. Is Will even your real name?
Married Will: *hesitates* No…
Me: Yeah, I didn’t think so. Nice wedding ring, btw. You take care now, bye.

Wish I wasn’t always so god damn fucking classy about shit like this. Can’t help but be me, you know? Oh well, at least I got a guy who was attractive and ripped to give me a steamy strip dance, and I didn’t even have to tip him a dollar! Holla!

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It is no shock that people on the internet lie, especially on dating profiles. The most common lies for men are as follows: height, age, job/income.

It’s easy to see why men lie about height; most women just aren’t attracted to a man she deems short. Why is that? Maybe it’s because we like to feel small and protected. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to be the bigger one in the relationship because it’s defeminizing. It’s already bad enough most of us have a mustache to rid of; we don’t need to feel like a giant ogre next to our man.

Then there’s the age issue. Men are on a constant prowl for younger women with tighter vaginas and perkier boobs, so I’m assuming this is why they lie. Unless you’re a sugar daddy, most younger females rather not date an old guy with saggy balls, and less affluent men know this.

Third comes the job and income. This is self-explanatory.

What I didn’t see coming was being lied to about their relationship status. Mind you, I clearly specify “single men only”. There should have been absolutely no confusion there. Enter Married Steve.

So “Steve” and I met for a drink, and things are going well enough, or so I thought. After a couple of minutes of witty banter and exchanging a few internet dating horror stories, I jokingly said, “Since the internet can be so sketchy. I can’t assume anything. I have to ask, you’re single, right? Haha.” I was totally kidding and was expecting only one answer. This was not it:

Married Steve: Well, technically, no.
Me: *stops laughing* What do you mean not technically?
Married Steve: I’m still married, but we’re not together.
Me: Define not together.
Married Steve: We’re not together together. She just still lives with me, but only because she can’t afford to move out. (oh, this answer makes it totally more acceptable)
Me: And when were you planning on disclosing this information?
Married Steve: When I felt this was going to go somewhere
Me: See, this is where you messed up. What if I thought things were going really well and wanted to go back to your place?
Married Steve: Really? We can still go.

I didn’t fault him for being misleading/omitting the truth/lying. I fault him for not getting sarcasm. Forget what my mother said about not taking something from a guy if I didn’t anticipate on returning the favor. I let this lying sack of shit pay for my drinks that night. And then he went home. To his wife.

Lies

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