I admit, there’s a lot of pressure for men when making the first correspondence. They must stand out among a hundred other messages to even seem worthy to vie for your attention. Some men are one word guys (booooring. you seriously think you deserve a response with that laziness?), while others try to woo you with a long and elaborate essay (dude, you’re investing too much time when the response rate is obviously not in your favor). Then there are times when you get a message that is so impeccable, packing a super concentrated dose of awkwardness in 20 words or less. That’s an amazing feat, people.

eyesSuperCreeper: I love your eyes so much. ohh god …die for your eyes…god help me i wanna know you

*vigorously shaking my head no* Nah uh, nope nope nope. It’s not just me who finds this creepy, right? Try reading it again. In your mind, did the “ohh” sound like a slow dirty moan? Yeeaaah, so that’s why he weirded me the fuck out. Hey mister, thanks for letting me know right off the bat that you’re a super creeeper. Makes it that much easier to block your ass.

 

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GNO

There are times when a girl just wants to go out with one of her lady friends and not deal with the pressures of dating. You know, head out to have a nice dinner with some drinks, talk and laugh about men, giggle and bat our eyelashes. Well that was what I had in mind when a girl friend was in town and asked me to join her. What I didn’t anticipate was her calling me while I was parking my car at the restaurant to say she invited a random guy she just met to our dinner date. Was I upset that this stranger was intruding on our girls night out? Nah, she was single and wanted to mingle. I’m  not going to vag-block her. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

I walked in to find her getting cozy with an attractive guy at a table… for 6. Seated around them were two other gentlemen, friends of Last Minute Guy. Maybe she invited them along for me. Why stop at 1 when she can get 2 for me to choose from! Well, I definitely wasn’t expecting this, ah but what the heck. The more the merrier! Or not.

The entire time my friend and her man were canoodling, so I was left talking to Option #1 and Option #2. Option #1 was a big, friendly guy with an adorable personality. Option #2 was anything but that. Our conversation went something like this:

Option #1: So how old are you, if I may ask?
Option #2: That is so rude! You don’t ask a lady her age! Don’t answer him.
Me: Um, it’s fine. I’m 27.
Option #1: So what are you studying?
Option #2: *leaned in and said to me* You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to.
Me: Are you two friends??
Option #2: Yeah, we go way back. I’m staying at his condo this week.

Wtf? With friends like that, who needs enemies?

By now, Option #2 has been a total douchebag, leaning in to talk shit about his friend and exaggerating about how awesome his life as a political advisor is. Seriously, bro? In stark contrast, Option #1 was a true Southern gentleman, engaging me in real conversation and even sharing his food with me because it’s “too good not to try”. Sweet right? Too bad I had this sleazy jerk to my right whispering condescending remarks about his “friend”.

Option #2: So you want to go back to the condo?
Me: Why? Are you guys having a party?
Option#2: No, just me.
Me: I’ll pass.

So fast forward, it’s time to pay for dinner. All 3 guys insisted that the ladies not reach for her purse. However, my mother taught me to never take anything from a guy if I don’t expect to return the favor (and believe you me, I was NOT willing to do anything more than give a sincere “thank you”). Option #1 argued, “Please allow us. It was a pleasure to have dinner with true ladies, and it’ll be a privilege to pay for your dinners.” Again, Option #1 showed his true awesomeness, and I succumbed.

The waiter brings out the check, and the guys split it 3 ways. A minute later the waiter comes by and discreetly tells Option #2 that his card was declined. Honestly, I thought nothing of it because it happens- no freaking biggy. Well, tell that to Option#2 because he went off the handles. After the waiter walked away with another credit card, Option #2 yells, “That mother fucker better not come back here. The biggest mistake was his dad not pulling out of his mom sooner!”

Seriously, WTF?! OOOOKKKK, two thoughts came to mind: A) the waiter will definitely have to come back to give the receipt to sign, so um what are you going to do about that, jackass? B) I’m getting the hell out of there pronto because you’re a fucking asshole, and my limit to deal with your kind has been exceeded.

Sure, I can understand a guy seeing that as embarrassing if he’s trying to impress a lady, but be smooth and recover. I promise I won’t judge. But nope, he made an even bigger jackass of himself, so I was totally done being in this dipshit’s company. I immediately got up and turned to thank the other two for dinner and beelined for the door. Option #1 followed me outside to apologize for his friend, again- awesome, right? I should have gotten his number. Doh, retrospect. Oh well, it made for a good post on my blog, so I’m looking back with optimism here.

declined

 

 

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It’s not that I like to spread myself thin when it comes to dating. I just find myself talking to more than one guy at a given time. Many men go MIA, stopping communication but then reappear later, or they just don’t seem serious so I don’t take them seriously. Whatever the combination, I just don’t put all my eggs in one basket. What I do do is always tell my Bestie about the new flavor of the week. I didn’t realize I was operating like a Baskin Robbins, though.

Bestie: are u gonna let someone else read your cover letter today?
Me:  yeah just sent it to Greg. said he’ll read after his meeting
Bestie:  who’s greg?
Me:  the dude i used to talk to but who pissed me off, so i stopped talking to him. he contacted me yesterday
Bestie: with the doggie?
Me: no.
Bestie: MBA guy?
Me: no.
Bestie: oh the one who lives uptown?
Me: haha nosorry, so many guys you cant keep up.  haha should I make an excel spreadsheet? lol
Bestie:  yup!  easy to search for a name too. omg… your lil black book… has become an excel spread sheet

Ah, apparently this guy already had this system figured out! I should use his template.

Spreadsheet

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I understand there are tons of shady people who waste others’ time, especially on online dating platforms. I also understand that’s why some people want to quickly verify the person on the other end. Still, hold your freakin’ horses, man! I like to have at least a couple of conversations via IM to see if there is any real interest first. Also, it helps me better judge if you’re a tool/loony bin. Is that too much of me to ask? Apparently, yes.

After chatting for 10 minutes for the first time:

Rusher: are you the girl that won’t talk on the phone until 544 messages have been exchanged?
Me: no, just until I feel the guy is not a crazy stalker/threat
Rusher: i’m a teacher with fingerprints in the FBI database.
Me: so do convicted pedophiles. what is your point?

Oh, I should feel totally confident and safe because you’re a “teacher”? Not saying he’s lying, but he could totally be. I can’t tell after 10 minutes of typing! Sheesh, go grab a beer, grade some papers, let’s chat for a bit longer, and CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

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His online profile read well: working on MBA, spends free time coaching kids’ basketball, loves dogs. No red flags there. Until he messaged me…

TMI Guy: helllloooo is mistress ur username because u are dominant?
Me: in conversations i tend to be
TMI Guy: i like that. i love being dominant in person but being submissive in conversations. is that normal?
Me: you tend to learn more when you’re more apt to listening. it’s not abnormal
TMI Guy: well thats good. i tend to love sticking dildos in my ass for ppl online. and licking my cum. but in person i make the other ppl do that stuff

I was so appalled by his last line and immediately X-ed out the conversation window without any witty comment to follow! Doh, an opportunity lost to put an idiot in his place. I can’t always have my A-game ready. Ugh. I should have a list of comebacks ready for dipshits like this.

blindsided

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sexual

By the time I graduated from grad school, I still hadn’t decided what I wanted to do for a career. I still didn’t know where I wanted to settle. I wasn’t sure what I expected from “the one”. There were a lot of big questions that I didn’t have the answers to. I was in my mid 20s, but one thing I have figured out was my sexual orientation. Sure, I’ve dabbled in a little homoerotic incidences, but I knew I wasn’t romantically attracted to females. I love boobies, but not enough to want to date the female attached to them. I didn’t know much, but I knew I was straight.

Bi-confused Guy messaged me and we chatted for a while, but we never met up. He was in the Midwest and I was in the Southeast, so it wasn’t as if we could go grab a drink. What we could do is InstantMessage for hours. He was interesting, educated, and a tad eccentric. We talked about books, music, family, past relationships. You name it, and we probably discussed it- including sexual exploits. That’s when things got… interesting. I mentioned that a couple of men who identified as bi-sexual have contacted me. I jokingly said I couldn’t date someone who was bi because that’s just too much competition for me to handle. Another female? Sure, I got the goods to level the playing field enough. But a man? How am I to compete when I’m not adequately equipped?! Well, that’s when Bi-confused Guy told me he wasn’t sure of his sexual orientation. WTF? You’re almost 30!

He told me he never thought of men until a gay guy started hitting on him at a club. One thing led to another and they started making out. Ok, I can handle that. Then it escalated with them leaving the club and the gay guy blowing him in the alley. I was still understanding, telling myself most people experiment. How will you know if you don’t try, right? Well, then he continued to tell me he still wasn’t sure if he was attracted to men after that episode- really?? It took a second incident where he was on the giving end to see if he liked it (his words). WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. Ok, I can’t handle that. I don’t know if I was more bothered by the fact that he felt the need for a dick in his mouth or the fact that he still wasn’t sure after the first homosexual encounter. Don’t you just kinda know if you’re attracted to the same or opposite sex?? I don’t exactly have to smash my face into the asphalt to find out if it’d hurt; I’m just pretty fucking confident it will. I wasn’t trying to be judgmental, but damn, I don’t have time for him to figure it out. I’m already confused enough in the other aspects of my life. I sure as hell didn’t need to wonder if the guy I’m interested in prefers taco or polish sausage.

confused

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It’s good to know that women aren’t the only ones jaded when it comes to dating. Men are just as susceptible to the bullshit. It’s not exactly a surprise but nonetheless amusing when a guy makes a snarky comment about it. Mr. Strong&Silent is a good friend with whom I’ve shared a few angsty conversations involving dating and relationships. He’s not much of a talker, but when he does, it’s usually something profound.

Me: you just have to go with the flow right?
Strong&Silent: yup. i don’t like to rush the best part
Me:
what are the best parts?
Strong&Silent: getting to know someone. adoring them while they’re still a mystery. why rush to find out she’s just another bastard?

Touché, mister, touché.

speeddating

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crazy

After a couple of years living with my roommate, I eventually moved out but not before finding her a replacement. *cue biggest mistake* At first, I thought it was a perfect setup and that he was just a “regular guy”. We went on a few dates and I got to “know” him enough to believe he was safe since there was no glaring red flags. Whoops. He flew really low on my radar, and I missed the cuckoo signs. Eventually, this fuckface showed his true colors, and I’m left with a life-long guilt.

Roommate: and he’s crazy
Me: I bet
Roommate: No, he’s really crazy. he sees ghosts. not here at the apartment though. he says we dont have them in here
Me: OMG. HOLY FUCK. I’m soooooo sorry
Roommate: he says there are none here so… good gooda
Me: white kids + the suburbs + too much drugs = off their fucking rocker

In addition to seeing ghosts, he was super paranoid and thought everyone in the world (except his mother. I am not exaggerating) had a mission to take him down. In my defense, none of his delusional beliefs ever came up in conversation. How much time does one need to invest to find out if someone is a freaking nutjob?!!

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I don’t always date men who fit my criteria of an ideal mate. I veer off the path when there’s some quality about that person that’s so great it shadows those I deem unfitting. Geez, I sound like such a snooty bitch, but you know you’ve done it too.

Bestie: Do you like him?
Me: Yeah, he’s nice and funny, and we have a great time together. Always laughing.
Bestie: Oooh potential?
Me: Well… I’m just not that physically attracted to him, though.
Bestie: What’s wrong with him?
Me: His head.
Bestie: His head?
Me: Yeah, it’s more than just an issue with not liking his face. The problem extends to the back of his head where there’s a bald spot and a big scar from his hair replacement surgery. And he lacks a neck. So yeah, I have an issue with his entire head.
Bestie: Aww, so you’re not going to see him anymore?
Me: Oh, I have a date with him tonight actually.

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I consider myself as having two best friends. Let’s call one Bestie and the other Loml. While Bestie and I have known each other since we were 17 yrs old, not once has anyone ever insinuated our relationship is any more than that. However, when it comes to Loml, there is always someone suggesting that there’s some hanky panky shit going on. WHY? It’s like some creepy old man’s fantasy- eeek!

Bestie: Omg. had a dream about you and *Loml*
Me: Oh?
Bestie: Both of ya’ll were in the room with me and I asked you if you guys were in love with each other… like not love each other but “IN LOVE” with each other. And ya’ll gave uneasy looks then i woke up. lol
Me: HAHAHA. Err… wth?
Bestie: What exactly happened on the camping trip? I tell ya, I have a 6th sense. Was it brokeback mountain-ish?

Even my Bestie subconsciously thinks there has been some kinky stuff between LOML and me. Can’t two female friends meet up every year for a camping trip in the woods without someone thinking we’re tickling each other’s berries? *smh*

Cowgirls

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