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I’m not too bothered by men who have fetishes. Everyone is entitled to like what he likes and to get off… I suppose. I’m just not that understanding when it comes to extreme sexual deviants (e.g. anal probing with small rodents or paraphilic infantilism; that is just unsettling). Then there’s the more gray area- racial fetishism. Am I bothered by that? Nope because I’ve met these men who proclaim they only date Latinas/Asians/Caucasians (hmm, wonder why AA women didn’t make the cut?) and guess what? They treat these females like… real humans! I’ve yet to meet a guy who ogles a female from a specific race as JUST sexual objects. As a matter of fact, I’ve only seen that stereotype in porn and old war movies. It’s more like a preference, in my opinion. I couldn’t date a guy with small hands (and no, it’s not because I think there’s a correlation with penis size. soooo not true!). Does that make a hater for being an anti-small handerer (I’m sure there’s a technical term for this, but I’m too lazy to Google it)? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are shitheads who truly do have racial fetishism; I’ve just been lucky enough not to run into them. If I ever do though, I’ll be sure to kick ’em in the taint.

So Jowls is a guy who prefers to date Asian women. His issue is wanting certain attributes that don’t normally come with an Asian female. Maybe he should rethink his preference?

Asian

Me: the chics you’re dating really aren’t doing it for you, huh?
Jowls (dude has the largest mandibular angle I’ve ever seen. I’m sure he can crack a walnut with no problem): not really…i like the hard, heavy aggressive kind. still waiting on one to let me actually go through with anal
Me: HAHA you need to stop dating little spinners who are afraid of it
Jowls: i give them points for trying. but…you’re right
Me: You like Asians… I dont think they were built to your liking. You should go for like Latina or something
Jowls: i want big tits and a big ass
Me:  Latina?
Jowls: and kinky
Me: Latina?!
Jowls: no, Asian
Me:  you’re asking for like, the holy grail dude
Jowls: HAHAHA
Me: kinky, big ass, big boobed Asian? Why not ask for her to be a good driver while you’re at it?

I’m not exactly sure why he’s into Asian females so much then? Maybe he’s just into getting something rare? That’d make more sense.

 

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Personally, I’m not attracted to heavy set dudes. Maybe it’s because I want to be the soft one and the one with curves in the relationship. Maybe it’s because the fatter you are, the less able you are to keep up with me. Maybe it’s because I don’t like jiggly tidbits. Whatever the case, it’s all good because there is bound to be those who like what I don’t like. If you don’t fancy introverted nerdy guys who may or may not have hair, send them my way! There’s a lid for every pot out there!

Sis: I’ve shown coworkers pics of my gf and they’re like “oh… she’s really cute/pretty” and I’m thinkin “damn, my last 2 were dogs????” hahahahahhahaha
Me: *coughs coughs*
Sis: ok, jamie wasnt actually pretty but…
Me: jk, your last wasn’t ugly
Sis: she was cute…just became like… boy/butch w/in the 10mos we were together
Me: look what you did to her
Sis: NO. she looks soooo cute and pretty when she’s more feminine. she was too insecure to accept that…. then insecure when she was boyish and i didnt say “you’re hot” in her fedora and matching vest. like get OUT of here. but basically, i get to say “my gfs get more and more attractive”. and i felt bad when people were like “yea… you’re the last cute piece of ass she’ll ever get”
Me: when you have a low baseline, it’s not hard to improve upon
Sis: damn, really???? i didnt feel i had a low baseline, lol. none were idiots. ok, Jamie wasn’t hot… but i found her attractive. oh well, ok, she wasnt a genius but she was business savvy…
Me: i guess you just had a lot of “love” to give…
Sis: yea, now i dont
Me: yeah, just too much surface area for me. i like to massage and touch and kiss…i’d have to take a break halfway thru with someone her size
Sis: im literally LOL
Me: gotta warm up before I start, cracking my neck, stretching my muscles. “alright, let’s do this!”
Sis: idiot, but seriously, she couldnt keep up… lol. i was deprived
Me: what’s so hard about basking like a whale?
Sis: OMG. THAT is mean
Me: yeah, i felt the fires of hell warm my ass just now

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I’ve always thought that those who act like assholes or bitches were the ones who were attractive but with low self-esteem. Apparently, being a dick isn’t reserved for the attractive people. Anyone can be a jerk these days- low self-esteem or not. I’m fighting a losing battle. (Hey, I’m only a raging bitch on my blog since I need a release and I’m not hurting anyone’s feelings. However, if you feel butthurt while reading my blog, you should check yo’self because um, your sensitive ass has no sense of humor,)

Email from Snaggle-tooth:

Hi,

I gave some thought to a way to say this without sounding like an ass but couldn’t come up with one, so I’m just going to say it: your profile is terrible.

I think you’re beautiful and the fact that you love dogs as much as you do made me curious about you, but I’m writing you despite your profile. It uses a lot of words to say absolutely nothing about you, other than you’re “different”. I’m not even sure what your interests are aside from the common list of books, bands, and movies; but maybe you can tell me. What do you enjoy talking about? What would you prefer men ask you about when they meet you?

Now how is his inability to deduce and infer information my fault? If I’m so common and uninteresting, why bother contacting me? Seriously. Maybe some men think that the way to nab a girl is to make her feel that he’s so magnanimous since he’s giving her the benefit of the doubt? Or do they think that by putting us down, we become low hanging fruit that’s easy for the picking? Puhlease! Even if this d-bag was super hot, I’d tell him to fuck off, but he’s not. He just made it that much easier to give him the bird.

Since we’re playing the asshole game, it’s my turn. Hey you fat fuck, snaggle-tooth, douche. How about you stop strumming that guitar, put on some running shoes, and jet to the nearest orthodontist. While you’re at it, stop by your mom’s house and have her reteach you how to be gentleman with qualities women actually desire.

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I’ve read a lot of dating profiles and even more emails from them, so take my word when I say the majority of the guys on them cannot spell or write worth a shit. It hurts my eyes to read it, and I feel like a total cunt when I’m scoffing at them but I can’t help it! Can’t you guys proofread your stuff?! I know there’s spell-check, so you get those red underlined squiggly lines when you misspell. Why do you forsake them?!!! They are there to help yooouuuuuuu.

George St. Pierre: Hi well i guess i made the cut especially age lol im not normal think little of myself i like my body trying to make it better about me im clean workout everyday i also train and teach martial arts not everybody can do that trying to get in shape see if i can still fight inside the cage yea (mma) im careing like wine dont smoke drink very little would very much chat meet get to know u better see where things go from there few chances are given and not many are taken so if u gave me that chance i would definitely take it that way i wont regret it in life

Tip: if you want to get a woman’s attention, don’t start off by saying you’re not normal and think little of yourself in a gigantic, debacle of a run-on sentence. Next, I recommend making sense, bro. Geezus fucking Christ!

Maybe one too many punches to the head left him stupid.

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In general, OKCupid does an all right job suggesting men to me based on my preferences. However, when it fucks up, it really takes the cake. Well, more material for my blog, I suppose. Here’s an excerpt from this winning potential mate:

My self-summary:  hey what’s up ladies I got 2 kids and no job so I need a solid lady I could really use a caring person in these hard times i’m a stand-up dude just fallen on some hard times but i’ll be back on top soon enough (yes! I want an insta-family! just add my bank account and ta-da!)

What I’m doing with my life: walking around town bumming cigarettes from people, getting on the internet at the library, taking care of the family (by what means are you taking care of this said family?)

I’m really good at: shattering dreams and smashing hopes (as if I’m not shattering my dreams and smashing my hopes on my own, mister)

On a typical Friday night I am: taking the kids to cici’s pizza and cursing real loud on the phone at my baby mama the whole time (yeah, tell that biatch I ain’t payin for her damn kids’ pizza)

I wonder if this profile is for real or if it’s an evil attempt by some vindictive ex. Whatever the case, how and why did OKC match this profile with mine?! Guess they’re trying to tell me to do more charitable work?

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It kills me when two people force a relationship to work. Sure, a relationship isn’t exactly a walk in the park, but it shouldn’t be as difficult as an Ironman competition either. There are a lot of variables that go into defining if two people are good for each other, and when most of those align, you’re probably on the safe end. When you strip away all the extrinsic factors (e.g. societal and familial expectations, bad advice from trifling single friends ), you should be happy with the person you call your significant other because now we’re just focused on the dynamics between the two of you. Maybe I’m oversimplifying, but shouldn’t it be this simple? People adulterate their romantic relationship when they think about what so-and-so would say, or how so-and-so thinks. Blah, if you locked me in a room with someone I love with nothing else, I’m sure I can still have a good time with him. That’s a good rule of thumb to see if your relationship is working: imagine yourself stuck in an empty room with your significant other and ask yourself if you’d still enjoy his company. The answer should be a resounding Yes; but  if not, time to move on, girl friend!

It brings me to a couple I wonder why they even bother:

Me: she kept complaining that she’s not sexually attracted to her boyfriend.
Friend: why not?
Me: she says he’s too overweight and crushes her when he’s on top.
Friend: aww…
Me: funny because he was complaining about her being too chubby and being too dry and small. he said she may have a medical condition.
Friend: I didn’t know not having a sexual attraction to your boyfriend is a disease.

I’m no M.D., but this is what I prescribe!

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Beta-Blocker Boy: hey
Me: hi, handsome. having a good day?
Beta-Blocker Boy: i didnt sleep for shit last night. i had to wake my mom becasue i was having a mild panic attack and couldnt breathe (yes, he still lives at home with his parents)
Me: why?
Beta-Blocker Boy: basically thinking about our convos we had (our conversation consisted of me telling him that I’m cynical and can be dark at times, but really- it doesn’t take a 6th sense to figure me out. oh and I also told him that I used to be an axe-murderer and a Republican; those two might have caused some uncomfortable visceral movement)
Me: are you kidding me?
Beta-Blocker Boy: no
Me: um
Beta-Blocker Boy: you were right from the get-go. i cant fix you nor do i have the energy to fix myself and someone else
Me:  oh geezus.  got it.  you needn’t say much else
Beta-Blocker Boy: im sorry about your predicament, but i dont think i can handle it all
Me:  take care. bye

Ahh, melts my heart!

Beta-Blocker Boy is this incredibly handsome fellow with the cutest little West Highland terrier who contacted me on a dating website (you should know that I’m a total sucker for a cute dog. I will consider seeing a guy- whom I wouldn’t normally- just to hang out with the dog. Lame, I know but the truth). Anyway, we’ve been communicating for several weeks, however, after our initial conversation, I knew this dude was off his rocker. It didn’t take much deductive reasoning to figure it out. He openly discussed his slew of mental and emotional issues and list of accompanying medications. Apparently, Beta-Blocker Boy suffers from major social anxiety disorders and as a result, sweats profusely and often has panic attacks. He’s so uncomfortable around people that he doesn’t go out much- it’s usually just he and his lil doggy, Willie. It also didn’t help that he used to abuse alcohol and is in AA for the past 10yrs, so merely talking about drinking gets him in a tizzy. Mind you, he’s 30. That means he started drinking at…*counting fingers*??? Oh, and he self medicates with marijuana 24/7. Must be nice living your days in a haze.

I admit what my continuing correspondence with him may say about myself is up for debate. Why then did I continue talking to him despite knowing all this, you wonder? No, I’m not attracted to crazies (although they make for interesting blogs) nor do I ever want to fix anyone- I have no patience nor resilience for that shit. Plainly put: He’s quite attractive, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s not incredibly stupid and has the most adorable dog. Stop judging me! You’d have episodes of desperation too if you were battling fat, illiterate ogres and other hideous creatures of the night who should be hunted down with pitchforks and who constantly try to hook up with you with fascinating lines like, “Hey your hot lets fuck”. Yes, I am human and have bouts of superficiality just like everyone else, so when a cute guy with a cute dog who be talkin’ kinda good contacts me, yeah well I’m going to respond.

Anyway, back to the story. Beta-Blocker decided to make the 4.5hr drive to come see me. Sweet, right? Too bad that the night before the road-trip was to happen we talked a bit. Yes, that’s the conversation in which he loss sleep over. I know I can be a little intense at times, but I promise it’s nothing too crazy. Most people just don’t openly admit they have quirks or issues; I do. I figured the only thing I owe the other person and to myself is honesty. Don’t you want to know what you’re getting yourself into (if he’s lucky- yuk yuk yuk!) before you invest too much? I guess I should shut my trap and be misleading like most other people. Gah, what a pussy he is. Live and learn, live and learn.

How can you resist all this cuddly goodness?!

Silver lining: at least in our last conversation he told me he finally found a medication that works on his sweating and anxiety: propanolol. Now his nickname makes sense, right? Ah, I’m so witty!

Anyway, c’est la vie. I really, really wanted to meet Willie too. Dangit!

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Sugar daddy (as defined by Wikipedia) is a slang term for a man who offers to support a typically younger woman or man after establishing a relationship that is usually sexual.

Sugar Dad email #1: You’re very cute. I’m in richardson for a couple of months on business and I was wondering if by any chance you’d be interested in a sugar daddy? 28/m.
My Response #1: only if that sugar daddy is extremely good-looking and fit with 6 pack abs, well-spoken, highly educated, great sense of humor, at least 6′ tall, has all his hair and teeth, no criminal record, no homicidal tendencies, and can actually keep up with me. Do you know of anyone??

Sugar Dad email #2: That doesn’t describe me, so I’m afraid not :)
My Response #2: Of course not. If you did satisfy those requirements, why would you offer to pay a female for her company?

Here are my issues: A) I’m older than him B) he isn’t in a position to financially offer support (so where’s the “sugar” part of the deal?) C) this is a goddamn dating website! not SugarDaddy.com geezus! I don’t always intentionally try to be a bitch, but some people are just clueless and need to be called out. I’m on a dating website looking for an equal. You’re on the wrong website, buddy. Here’s where you need to be on instead:

Which reminds me- I need to renew my subscription.

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One major issue that people have with online dating is the dishonesty or misleading information. People will lie just about every possible damn thing, so it takes some time and experience to weed out the bullshit. Once in a while, though, someone springs on you with brutal honesty- so much so that it’s refreshing.

rihanna

No Bullshitter: seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion – but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party – or if we’re lucky – both!

I know this is how most relationships are in reality, but it seems so much more terrible to admit in writing (and hey! why are you stereotyping us females?! not all of us are paranoid!). Kudos for his unique take on an opening email, but it isn’t exactly enticing. Now if he said he was hoping to stretch it out for at least 12 months so that we can exchange shitty gifts to commemorate the equally shitty relationship, I would have been down. 3-9 mos is just not enough time to inflict permanent scars on each other!

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Girl chat is awesome. We get to share information and learn from each other. If we’re lucky, it can be really funny too. The trust and bond I have with my close girl friends eliminate any barriers or filters, and we can be totally honest with each other!

Me:  he’s super smooth though. it’s nice. and he smells good.
Friend: yes a must. u ever a date a smelly guy?
Me: musky? yes. let’s not talk about it. haha don’t want to make you gag. he was just very “manly”
Friend: ew. i was with a guy once… so whatever happens so and so..i’m rubbing his balls and such…after I was done i took a whiff of my hand (dont’ ask me why!!!!!) and i thought i was gonna faint
Me: OMG
Friend: ya
Me: you slap me in the face with surprises
Friend: learned my lesson REALLY FAST. stupid stupid stupid. sorry
Me: and i didnt mean down there! i meant underarms!
Friend: oh HAHAHAH. UM yea that’s what i meant. underarms
Me: haha i’ve never been with a guy who smelled THERE
Friend: LOL LOL
Me: wow. i thought i was gonna gross you out with underarm. you came back with smelly balls!
Friend: hahahah. yup..i win every time
Me: No, I think you lose on this one, my friend!
Me: you smelled stinky balls! did you say anything? i would look at him and be like, do you wash down there?
Friend:  omg..i was taken aback. like it was one of those things that you don’t believe the first time..b/c it’s just so rank! so i smelled again..in private in the bathroom..and sure enough my first impression was correct
Me: you sniffed again? OMG
Friend: he does not clean his taint!!
Me: makes you wonder if your ass smells bad too, huh?
Friend: haha well it was the end of the day sweat accumulation… can’t blame him

Well… maybe a little filter couldn’t hurt here. *gag*

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