There’s not much that my bestie and I don’t discuss. Sex is one topic that we cover from time to time. If you can’t tell your best friend your darkest, dirtiest secret, then whom can you tell? I’m just grateful she doesn’t judge me (at least not openly anyway) and is supportive of my lifestyle (at least openly anyway).

Bestie: You’ve done a lot of sexual stuff, right? Like, using a purple strap-on is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
Me: Yeah, but I’ll never do anything like DP. Eww. Knock on wood.
Bestie: Wait, why would you knock on wood? You might happen to bend over when one guy behind you slips just as another guy in front of you falls and… Yeah, wrong use of an idiom there.
Me: What? You can never be too sure it can’t happen! *knocks on wood*

Adding another meaning to “Knocking on wood”.

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Size matters. Period. Blah blah blah motion of the ocean, my eye! Anyone who tells you otherwise is delusional. Penis size matters (i.e. length and girth) as does how straight it is, how hard it gets, and if he knows how to use it. It ALL matters. I’m sorry for those who are just cursed with a small dick because there’s nothing they can do about it (for the most part). Luckily for them, there are females out there who truly don’t mind. I just don’t happen to be one of them.

Me: So yeah, he is great (aside from being broken and emotionally distant) but um, this sounds awful but… I dont think I can ever be with someone with an “avg” penis…
Me: What am I going to do with that?? Watch, I’ll meet the perfect guy one day, but he’ll have a youth-size penis and it wont work bc I’m a horny skank
Roommate: lol you’ll find the right penis. attached to the right man

Aahhh… what would I do without the support and optimism from great friends? *sniffles* There’s hope for me. He’ll be smart, successful, funny, and hung! Just you watch!

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Not all people have high standards or are picky when it comes to dating. These people know what’s important to them and won’t go out of their way to chase rainbows. That’s cool; to each his own. Private Brian is one of these simple men. He and I went on two dates but remained “friends” on FB. I find him an amusing oddball, and he inadvertently provides material for my blog, so what the heck…

About a year after our last date:

Me: I see you found yourself a nice little lady there!
Private Brian: Yeah, she’s a good woman. Cooks and sucks dick well.
Me: That’s freakin lovely. A guy’s gotta have standards to uphold.
Private Brian: I don’t need much.

When you’re stationed in the boondocks of Louisiana, standards are to remain minimal if you are to find someone to date and fornicate with. I suppose she’s better than the rest out there since she has most of her teefs intact. I’m sure she’s just as excited that he’s not one of her cousins! Win-win!

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I don’t post seductive photos of myself or any that are revealing on my dating profile, so how this man deduced that my tits are nice is rather impressive. He must have special powers.

Titty Man: Are your tits real? Im a tity man I love nice sets and yours look pretty nice. I know u hear that alot.

Hey Titty Man, thanks for the compliment. Yes, they are real and were given to me by the grace of God to satiate your and the rest of your male kind’s infatuation with breasts. By the way, is your brain working? I’m a girl who’s into intellect, and I love a smart guy. However, you don’t seem to be functioning at full capacity, so I’ll pass. I know you probably hear that a lot.

Just for once, I’d like for someone to not reduce me to just a set of fun bags, but to see me for ALL that I truly am- a smart, kind, and loving individual WITH an amazing rack…not to mention a huge caboose to boot. Is that so much to ask???!

 

Nope

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I’m less judgmental when it comes to bad writing if English is your second language. Still, odds are against you because most accents sound atrocious to me. When women talk about how sexy accents are, they definitely aren’t referring to A) Spanish B) Chinese and any other countries in Asia C) Russian and the rest of the former Block D) Arabic- they always sound so angry! Frankly, if it’s not Italian, British, Australian, and French (I’m actually iffy here), it’s no bueno.

Speedy Gonzales: Im carlos and live in irving , i see u pics and u are very sexy baby i want to be u frend

Did you read it in an accent like I did? *ack* Well, I wasn’t actually looking to be someone’s ESL buddy, so yeah, I’m going to pass.

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Blow job, head, sucking, blowing, oral, deep throating- all descriptive epithets characterizing the sexual art that is fellatio. Books have been written discussing this subject matter since its inception during ancient Greek times as the initial currency (actually, cavemen were probably blowing each other, but citing the Grecians seem to give my statement more credibility), so why is this still such an elusive issue for many women? If you ask a man, he will tell you what little he wouldn’t do for an amazing blow job. So why most women have not mastered the technique of oral to harness the power is… baffling.

I like giving blow jobs. Actually, I love it. Seriously. It’s fun for my hands and mouth (and occasionally, my boobs- what? they’re not just feeding sacks for parasitic organisms most of you call children) and if I can make someone happy while I’m having fun, I’m all bout it bout it. “Pleasuring is pleasure in itself,”  has always been my motto. Move over Mother Theresa, I’m the ultimate giver here! What’s not to like about oral? There’s just something extremely sexy to me knowing that I can literally bring a man to his knees; maybe it’s my Napoleonic complex, but whatever the case- I enjoy almost all aspects of fellatio. I say almost because if you’ve ever been shot in the eye, you’d understand the uncomfortable burning sensation and the blurry vision that ensues, or you’re like my roommate who’s had jizz come out of her nose. How she managed that is a mystery. Whatever the case, she said it wasn’t good times. I concur.

I see it as a game to feed my competitive nature where the goal can change however I please. Today, my mission is to get him off in under 4 mins- tomorrow, with no hands while being suspended upside down from his shoulders and dressed as a giraffe. The possibilities are almost endless! See, my issue is I have the attention span of 7yr. old boy with ADD who’s missed 3 doses of Ritalin while watching reruns of Sponge Bob Squarepants. When it comes to sex, I need change to keep me engrossed, and the game of bjs provide just that. Wait, where was I going with this??? Ah, yes…

Truth that dreams can come true…

As proud as I am to boast that I can easily dismember two midgets in 17 minutes flat, I’m equally smug to share that I’m fucking awesome at giving head. As a matter of fact, I was crowned the Cock Sucking Champion in 2010 and am projected to take the title again this year. Do you know why I’m so fucking great? The magic is innate enthusiasm. Yes, in order to be phenomenal at sucking dick- aside from having no gag reflex, you must enjoy going down. There lies the difference between good and great blow jobs- true appreciation for the art. Next to puppies and Ryan Gosling’s abs, there’s not much I love more than to wrap my lips around a pretty penis- teehee teehee. *blushing*

For the novice, the act is very self-explanatory. Here are your basics: penis (his), mouth (yours), hands (yours and maybe his if you’re an amputee), lubricant (cotton-mouth is not recommended), and boobs (optional-for the more advanced blower). That’s all that is required for you to make magic happen. However, over time, I realize the thing about bjs is not really what you should do; it’s all about what you shouldn’t. As a newbie, how was I suppose to know that intermittent gnawing and clamping down of teeth while clawing his shaft are not considered good oral practice? Whoops, live and learn, folks!

This leads me to recount my most memorable bj fiasco…

Let me begin by asking who would refuse minty fresh gum after a night of throwing back several cocktails? Certainly not I, someone who thinks halitosis is as offputting as manboobs. What I didn’t foresee was me servicing him after we got back to my place. I imagine you can see where this story is going. So there I was, on my knees like an aspiring model/actress/waitress trying to make it big in Los Angeles, not thinking twice to spit out my gum. Something about the combination of drunkenness and common sense that just don’t go together, right? So after a minute of going down, I noticed that the chewy little object that was keeping my breath deliciously fresh was no longer within the confines of my oral cavity. Erf?? I opened my eyes and saw that it was comfortably nestled in the tuff of his pubic hair. (I apologize for making anyone gag at this moment) What is a girl to do? I surely didn’t want him to think I’m a fucking moron, so I coyly tried to extract this mess but to no avail. I actually think I made it worse with my drunk and uncoordinated tactile skills. Eventually, I gave up and made the announcement, “Um, my gum is stuck to you, and I can’t get it out. Sorry.” He then proceeded to bitch slap me across the face and spew hurtful expletives. OK, just kidding, but to my surprise, he just laughed and cleaned himself. To my bigger surprise, we continued like it never happened once he got most of the gum out. One positive from the debacle: his genitals were then minty fresh! (Sorry for making you gag here too) Ah, see the beauty of giving head? Men are such total suckers for a good blow job that you can get away with just about anything. I should have asked for the keys to his Lexus while I was at it. Doh! Next time.

OK, I need to go practice for the competition. Wish me luck, you guys!

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There are some seriously generous men out there in the world! They offer love, shelter, and support to needy women and ask nothing in return. You just have to put yourself out there- like an ad on the internet- to find them!

Generous: Now how about you come live in my heart and pay no rent?

And by “heart” do you mean a cage in your basement with a bucket for a toilet? OK, maybe I’m being cynical here. Maybe he IS a generous gentleman who’s just offering copious amounts of love yet ask for nothing in return. Then again, he may be literally asking me to rip out his heart and use it as shelter. Who knows? People on the internet can be fucking crazy.

For me?? You really shouldn’t have. No really. You shouldn’t have.

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Ah, another fine gem emailing me to profess his love! I am so humbled and flattered…

Email #1 with proclaimed “self” photo attached- however, photo is a cartoon picture of a prince and damsel in distress:

i agree. ive observed things for sometimes and destiny still prevails to this day! i am a knight. i only want your confidence parred. i will speak to you form your wisdom. so i know the way. please lady, write me back. do you love the violin? you know if it wasnt for thier trashy low self esteem i’d write them too. love you just in case mright? no much respect latina, shh, i can hardly remember. a saint in letters, Prince Jason The Lonely

Follow-up email #6 in mostly caps- because he didn’t get my attention the first 5 times:

I LOVE YOU. BEFORE THE WORLD BEARS YOU TARNISHED AND DEGRADED LISTEN! I CAN SEX YOU LOVE YOU AND FULFILL YOU. SO MANY PEOPLE TURN THIER BACKS WITH NO EXPLANATION. PLEASE, I WANT TO DO IT FOR YOU. I AM 32. I HAVE BENN ALONE MY WHOLE LIFE. I CAN DO YOU RIGHT. IT’S HARD TO SWALLO THAT YOU KNOW.? EVER SINCE I WAS YOUNG, I LOVED A WOMAN. YOU ARE MY TYPE. THIERS SO MUCH RELEVANCE IN ME. WOULD YOU PLS CALL ME IF YOU CANT WRITE? trust me it’ll be worth it! Would you like to be my lady? Catholia! Let’s find out East? I know my children will be loved. I am Diabetic. I fiend to talk with you. I am Slick. Jason. Love Me Down. Write me back or call at : 

xxx one two – xxx eight two – xxx five three eight. 

I want a new kitten

What the firing fuckhole is this wackjob talking about?! I was checking to see if he was writing in iambic pentameter and when that didn’t pan out, I considered Haiku. Even if he was James Joyce himself writing in the method of stream of consciousness, this crap still wouldn’t be OK. Latina? Definitely not I. You can sex me? Well at least one of your heads is functioning. Oh, and at least he’s a giver, ladies. He wants to love and fulfill me for me!

I’m assuming this guy has internet access from the mental asylum or from a dark basement dungeon. By sending such emails (6 in a row that are of the same creepy nature), is this guy really wondering why he’s 32 and have been alone his entire life? I have a few educated guesses why he’s been pulling his pud by his lonesome self all these years. I’m tempted to respond out of curiosity, but my inner self is crying out, “Stranger! Danger!”. I guess I could go chew on shards of glass and down some methanol instead?

Maybe I should consider grabbing a bottle of Chianti with this fine gentleman…

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I like men who don’t beat around the bush because I’m not much for emotional games. However, there are men who just cut to the chase a little too quickly for my liking, especially when they’re propositioning me for human trafficking.

BDSM: how woulg u like to be my sex slave ill make it worth ur whike

As enticing as his suggestion sounded, I just couldn’t imagine letting someone who can’t spell be my master of any kind. Nope, just can’t do it, folks. Also, he’s gross as all hell on top of that. The only sexy “Masters” are in books and movies! BDSM guy is no John from the movie 9 1/2 Weeks. Ladies, I’ve never read 50 Shades of Grey, but I’m assuming that book used 9 1/2 weeks as a reference, so you should check it out if you’re into that kinky stuff. It’s also nice to see how handsome Mickey Rourke looked before all that horrible plastic surgery screwed up his face, but I digress…

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I’m big on going on day dates and doing something active. A) if date sucks, you have the rest of the day to make up for it and B) if you’re doing something fun, it’s easier to overlook that the date is boring. I’ve gone mountain biking, to food festivals, miniature golfing, and with Quirky Chris, I suggested kayaking. You see, I like doing all of these things, and even if the dude’s personality blows, I can still enjoy myself!

During lunch break on the river:

Quirky Chris: I’ve pretty much dated all types of women.
Me: Would you date someone who’s bi-sexual?
Quirky Chris: Well, I did date this girl who was my sister’s ex.
Me: Wait, what? So your sister…
Quirky Chris: Yeah, my sister used to be gay. I think she’s bi now.
Me: OK, so you and your sister both dated the same girl?
Quirky Chris: Yeah, and my sister dated her brother, too.
Me: Wow, you don’t say? Sharing is caring, I guess.
Quirky Chris: Yeah, the only thing left is for me and Tommy to date. It’s not happening.

  Btw, I LLLOOOVVVEEEE venn diagrams!

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