Why do some men contact me only to jab me with a snide remark? That’s not going to make me want you, buddy! I suppose I’m old-fashioned in that I like a guy to be a gentleman and oh, I dunno, be sweet?

Young Buck: The name’s Joe, I find you to be amazingly witty and perhaps a bit over the top… I can look past that minor discrepancy as long as you look past the fact that I’m 22. It’s not my age you have to worry about.. Its my ability to keep up with the “more experienced” folk these days 😛  Go ahead and message me, I’m sure I can keep you entertained. 😉

I had to read this email 2 times to search for this elusive “minor discrepancy”. Because this email did not make sense, I had to double check that I knew what “discrepancy” means, so I consulted webster.com. Ok, the definition listed is what I defined it as. So, how is there a discrepancy between being witty and over the top?  I suppose he meant flaw. Young man, the only discrepancy I find is you thinking you can keep me entertained and that I’d be interested in a 22 yr.

To help you understand the word “discrepancy”:

Age Discrepancy:                                            Math Discrepancy:

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There are times when there’s a lull in going on dates or emails are uneventful and not worth noting. That means a shortage in material to blog about, so I ask people for advice. I wasn’t expecting to use the conversation itself as a post, but I’ll take it!

Me: As a reader, what topic would you like to see on my website?
Neighbor: Oh, if you want to get your site popular, you gotta write about sex. I would like to read about how to perform fungilingus.
Me: Wait, what?
Neighbor: You know, how to go down on a girl. Give tips on how to do it well
Me: OOOOHHHHH…

I think this is what happened in his little brain:

*fellatio + cunnilingus = fungilingus???*

It would have been more interesting if he was asking how to please both a man and a woman at the same time. That or introduce me to a new type of foreplay that involves mushrooms.

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New relationships can be marvelous! Everything is wonderful when both are polite and respectful of each other. Ever wonder at what point in the relationship that sorta ends? My roommate figured it out.

Roommate: It’s all magical until someone farts. 

Farting is like the gateway drug. It opens the door for more less appealing things to come. Remember there was a time when you couldn’t even imagine pooping at his place or wearing period-stained underwear on a date? Usher in peeing with the door open, picking your nose, and plucking your armpit hair. Yup, the moment you fart in front of him, it’s game over.

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Ahh, love. How do you know you’re in love? Well, some people feel physical effects like butterflies in their stomach or if they’re really sexually attracted to each other, tingling sensations down in the naughty regions.

Roommie: That burning sensation in your loins is not a yeast infection. It’s love! yeast

Gotta love how one can confuse symptoms of a bad case of Candidiasis with love. Though at times, both are just as irritating, and you can’t wait for it to end!

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I met a Croation research scientist and thought dating him could be interesting, since we may have a lot to talk about as we’re in the same field. Well, as all conversations with men go (regardless of how intellectual he is), it always leads to talks about sex. Shocker.

Croation PhD: I’ve fucked women on my desk, in my boss’ office, in the fly room… everywhere. There’s been a lot of fucking in this lab. However, we had this graduate student who was caught doing his girlfriend bent over the biohazard box in the hot room. Can you believe that?! That’s just disgusting. At least I have standards and know better not to fuck over or near a biohazard box! 

Seriously, that is just deplorable. You don’t have to keep it classy- just keep it sanitary! I can’t say there was this much hanky panky in my lab. Maybe I was just too busy doing my experiments instead of boning dudes in the dark microscope room. Or maybe I just didn’t want to catch Gonorrhea.

biohazard box

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Anyone who says looks do not matter is just totally, utterly, unequivocally bullshitting themselves. Hello, I know your ass is lying, so stop pretending to be above us regular, superficial folks. And if you are being serious, for fuck’s sake, adopt some standards! Just keep it real, OK? Lookie here, I’m not your mother, your girlfriend, or your probation officer, so there’s no need to lie and say it’s who the person is inside is what matters. I’ve dissected dead people and have looked inside. It’s freaking hideous in there. Stick with the outside, Hannibal.

Let’s admit it: there are times when we come across photos that make us moist in the nether regions, while others make us scream, “WTF is THAT?!” and couldn’t make us block your profile any faster. Our physical appearance bear so much weight when it comes to sorting mates for marrying or sexing (bow-chicka-bow-wow), so it’s understandable that we want to present ourselves as “attractive” as possible. However, many, MANY people lack the intuition or hell, even common sense, to discern what are good vs bad photographs. To provide some enlightenment to all you dating zombies, I’ve listed my Top 5 Photo Themes Not to Post in hopes that you would stop making me cringe in horror.

1. Mugshot/Driver’s Licence. As if it’s not self-explanatory, do you seriously think you’re going to entice anyone looking as if you’re in a rapist lineup? Why would you post a photo of just your face- not smiling, disheveled, and against a white wall? Equally as bad, I’ve come across profiles that had pictures of their driver’s license (with personal information removed- they’re stupid but not that stupid) posted. Like, seriously? Is it that difficult to find ONE suitable picture of yourself that you had to resort to the DMV as your photographer? If that’s actually the case, that’s just sad… almost like blind, limping dog being kicked sad.

Mugshot

2. Far away Shots.  I suppose you’re trying to capture the surroundings when you take these wide panoramic shots, but the downside is you (the main object I’m interested in) appear negligible or better yet, to be concealing something. Why are you sooooo far away? What the hell are you hiding! I shouldn’t have to squint or max out my magnifying function on my computer. I’m just asking not to be blindsided when you arrive to our date looking like a deformed creature from the sewer.

Neck balls

3. Tight T-shirts/Shirtless. I don’t know what screams out “Douchebag!!” more- a dude wearing an Affliction t-shirt or one who is posing shirtless and flexing. Do you people intentionally choose to look like a tool? Are you an MMA fighter or body builder? Even then I question if it’s permissible. I don’t care how much bling you’re stuntin’ or how jacked your body is; there’s no diverting my eyes from that hot ass mess. Kicker is, this fashion faux pas usually involves a plethora of other asshole accoutrements. See picture at the bottom. *extra side note: pass on the bad tan, unless you want to look like the ultimate douche then mission accomplished!

Priceless douche

4. Selfies. If only people will stop taking mother fucking goddamn selfies, I’d be one extremely grateful person. Anything, well almost anything, is better than you taking a crapalicious photo of yourself with your phone. I can’t believe I even have to say this, but men, please don’t do the duck face. It’s ridiculous when a female does it, but it’s that much more ludicrous when you do it. The only time you need to take a selfie is when you’re taking a photo of your penis because it’s just awkward to ask a friend to do it for you. Oh God, and don’t post cock shots either!

Selfie Fail

5. You’re So Popular. The Pièce de résistance of bad dating profile photos has to be the one where the guy is posing with a/several scantily clad female(s). Am I supposed to think that you’re some hot shit who’s popular with the sexaaay ladiessss? Or are you trying to convince me that you’re not a creepy woman-beating stalker because “See!! I have friends with vaginas! You can trust me with yours!” Look, you’re not appealing if we see you posing with a bunch of broads. The usual rebuttal from men: we don’t take pictures. The ones we have are from the females taking them with us. Yeah ok, sure. By that line of reasoning, why aren’t you posting pictures with your mom, sister, or aunt? RRRIIIIGGHHTTTT…

Sugar Mama

 

Now take my checklist and go into your profile and start deleting any photos that fall into these categories. Thank you, and God speed.

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Me: Beta blocker boy is soooo cute but fkn CRAZY. Why oh why oh why? He’s like certifiably crazy
Roommate: hahaha. how so?
Me: Alcoholic who’s clean for 10yrs. He’s 31. So um, he drank a shit ton when he was a kid?
Roommate: OMG
Me: Sees a shrink, was on every type of antidepressants, attends AA meetings. The whole gambit. And super sensitive about a lot of issues
Roommate: like?
Me: And smokes pot 24/7
Roommate: shiiiitt
Me: About his sobriety
Roommate: what is he sensitive about?
Me: About women
Roommate: why women?
Me: His atheistic views. About him not wanting children. He was burned in the past. But damnit, he’s so physically attractive to me
Roommie: maaaann
Me: So I’m meetin up with him next week anyway. hahahahaa
Roommie: is there an issue he doesnt have?
Roommie: :)
Me: Erectile

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What is with men and their fascination with strippers? In the club, they sell a fantasy. They’re oozing sex appeal (and maybe some pus from a genital infection) and are sweet and fun to be around. That’s because they’re WORKING for money. Don’t you guys get that? Nice + Willing + Naked = $$$$$. However, if you were to remove a stripper from her natural habitat, you’re left with a nocturnal raging alcoholic with a drug addiction and daddy issues. Yes, I know this sounds stereotypical and judgmental, but it’s true. I worked at a strip club (although not as a stripper. I have no upper body strength to man the pole. Otherwise, I would have considered it) and dated guys who have dated strippers. The stories always corroborate.

Roommate: he’s out with the stripper tonight
Me: oh nooooo. tun tun TUUUUN!!! soap opera! go get the popcorn!
Roommate: hahaha
Me: man, the stripper magic.
Roommate: he said they are just friends. she’s not that pretty
Me: the one he’s still madly in love with?
Roommate: he’s madly in love with another one who has a bf. he likes them messed up. he goes for the VERY dysfunctional ones. alcoholics, strippers, stripper alcoholics
Me: I wonder if strippers are good tippers at bars?

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As you may have gathered, I easily get annoyed with bad grammar and misspelling. It’s just one of my pet peeves, so online dating can be a little difficult because all communication begins with written correspondence. If your email has more than two errors, you’re automatically written off as a no-go. A girl has got to stick to her standards, people!

Dirty Deets: So besides looking at the picks you’ve posted I’ve taken the time to read your profile. I’m sure I might be one of the few who have lol. Very witty with your choice of words, and straight forward about what you’re looking for. If I have peaked your interest then lets move forward and get down to the dirty details about each other further.

First, if you’re going to shorthand a word, at least use the correct one. I haven’t posted anything about what I’ve chosen. Oh, you meant pics?! Second, homophones can be tricky tricky, but that’s no excuse to confuse peaked with piqued. Here’s an example: Your intellectual aptitude peaked when you were in 2nd grade, thereby my interest has not been piqued. Third, should I be honored that my photos are so enticing that it led you to want to read my profile? Omigosh, I’m soooo flattered! *Squeals* So after railing about his email, it’s only fair that I share a dirty detail about myself: I wipe from back to front! *gasps*

froggy-asswipe-2

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I’ve had conversations with guys about tasting their own love juice, but most deny ever being curious enough to try it. If somehow you’ve been fortunate enough to not have ingested this delicacy, I’ll tell you it’s sometimes salty or sweet or bitter or the combination of, and it almost always has a chlorine-like smell. There is the clear or milky white variety, and the consistency can be super watery or thick like phlegm on the worst day of your flu. In my opinion, it’s not the best tasting thing to have in your mouth (oh, and it burns if you get it in your eye!). Trust me, I’d much rather be eating dark chocolate mousse or drink orange juice right after I’ve brushed my teeth for that matter, so that’s why I appreciate the courtesy tap. Wow, I sound like a connoisseur!

protein

Beta-blocker Boy:  I know I’ve came in my own mouth as a teen.
Me:  Um. How was it?
Beta-blocker Boy:  Had to see what it was all about. Weird, I know. Growing up is awkward.

Beta-Blocker Boy may not be the most stable of guys, but at least he’s always honest! It takes a real man to admitting tasting his own jizz!

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