So Creepy So Fast

in Emails from Suitors

How some men go from relatively normal to creepy as fuck in 0.7 seconds in an email is rather impressive.

Hello. My name is Moses (Oh hi, Moses. Your parents must be religious to name you after a readily identifiable Biblical character, so how weird can you be, right?). I would like to get to know u better (Why, I’m flattered!). A little about myself: I’m 6’6″ tall, I’m very secure fancially and emotionally (Moses is having a few difficulties with spelling, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt since he’s so tall. Maybe he’s not seeing the keyboard keys as well being so high up and all). I don’t need a lot of attention- no mama’s boy (Ah, glad he pointed that out. Ain’t nobody got time for a titty-baby). I think a women is Gods greatest gift to the world n deserve to be treated that way (Ah yes, references to God. Amen brother, preach on about treating us women as God intended!). let me paint a picture 4 u of what it’s like to be my woman (Your words are like a paintbrush. Show me your vision!): i want my woman to feel above all safe n secure when she’s with me (Alright, alright. He is a protective man. I like feeling safe. No Ray Rice up in here). I want her to know that she’s all that matters in the world when we r together (Aww yeah, that’s right. No undivided attention with Mr. Moses. Wait, what about when we’re not together, though?). I want her to b the envy of every women that sees her with me because of the way they c me treat her and the pedestal I hold her on (Oooh yeah, make those chicken heads green with envy! He’s so respectful and doting. Sounding better every second!). When I hold u in my arms I want u to escape every care n concern u have in the world to instantly fade away (Take away all the pain and hurt, baby). When I make love to u I want u to wish the moment would last a life time n that I would never leave ur side (Uh wait, what? Make love? Um, isn’t this a lil too soon to talk about?). I want u to think about me every minute ur not with (Hmm, every minute? You’re sounding a little overbearing, Moses. I’m an intellectual; I spend quite a bit of time thinking why I’ve never seen baby pigeons anywhere or when you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?). I want to be in ur dreams (Damn, I can’t even be free of you when I’m asleep?). I don’t think like most men, I get my pleasure out of pleasing u (You may not be the same, but you sure do sound like the rest of them with this cheesy ass line). The more fulfilled u r the happier I am. I’m all about passion. I love to kiss n hold my women passionately. U see I want u to truly feel me not just sexually but emotionally; in the deepest part of ur soul I want to touch u (I’m not sure I’m OK with this. Have you never heard of personal space and boundaries? My soul is off limits, bro). I want u to feel like a queen n that no one can knock u off the thrown I provide for u emotionally n physically (Homophones aren’t Moses’ strong points either, I realize). My connection is definitely physical ( as u will certainly FILL me) but the emotional connection I want to have with u goes even further then that (Fill him? Is that code for pegging?). I’m honest and above all respectful although I can get into sexual role play if that’s ur thing. Lol (Nope, not my thing at all but thanks for being open-minded). Try me out n allow me to take u where you’ve never been before as we explore new experiences n feelings together (I’ve dated quite a bit, so I’ve probably felt everything possible. You’re a little late to my party, Moses). There is so much I could tell u but this site only allows me 2000 characters (There’s more???!). I’m much more interesting in person n over the phone. Please email me at xxxxx@gmail.com if u like. Look forward to hearing from u soon.

Umm…

WTF

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