They Don’t Call It a Job for Nothing

in Bad Dates, Stories

Blow job, head, sucking, blowing, oral, deep throating- all descriptive epithets characterizing the sexual art that is fellatio. Books have been written discussing this subject matter since its inception during ancient Greek times as the initial currency (actually, cavemen were probably blowing each other, but citing the Grecians seem to give my statement more credibility), so why is this still such an elusive issue for many women? If you ask a man, he will tell you what little he wouldn’t do for an amazing blow job. So why most women have not mastered the technique of oral to harness the power is… baffling.

I like giving blow jobs. Actually, I love it. Seriously. It’s fun for my hands and mouth (and occasionally, my boobs- what? they’re not just feeding sacks for parasitic organisms most of you call children) and if I can make someone happy while I’m having fun, I’m all bout it bout it. “Pleasuring is pleasure in itself,”  has always been my motto. Move over Mother Theresa, I’m the ultimate giver here! What’s not to like about oral? There’s just something extremely sexy to me knowing that I can literally bring a man to his knees; maybe it’s my Napoleonic complex, but whatever the case- I enjoy almost all aspects of fellatio. I say almost because if you’ve ever been shot in the eye, you’d understand the uncomfortable burning sensation and the blurry vision that ensues, or you’re like my roommate who’s had jizz come out of her nose. How she managed that is a mystery. Whatever the case, she said it wasn’t good times. I concur.

I see it as a game to feed my competitive nature where the goal can change however I please. Today, my mission is to get him off in under 4 mins- tomorrow, with no hands while being suspended upside down from his shoulders and dressed as a giraffe. The possibilities are almost endless! See, my issue is I have the attention span of 7yr. old boy with ADD who’s missed 3 doses of Ritalin while watching reruns of Sponge Bob Squarepants. When it comes to sex, I need change to keep me engrossed, and the game of bjs provide just that. Wait, where was I going with this??? Ah, yes…

Truth that dreams can come true…

As proud as I am to boast that I can easily dismember two midgets in 17 minutes flat, I’m equally smug to share that I’m fucking awesome at giving head. As a matter of fact, I was crowned the Cock Sucking Champion in 2010 and am projected to take the title again this year. Do you know why I’m so fucking great? The magic is innate enthusiasm. Yes, in order to be phenomenal at sucking dick- aside from having no gag reflex, you must enjoy going down. There lies the difference between good and great blow jobs- true appreciation for the art. Next to puppies and Ryan Gosling’s abs, there’s not much I love more than to wrap my lips around a pretty penis- teehee teehee. *blushing*

For the novice, the act is very self-explanatory. Here are your basics: penis (his), mouth (yours), hands (yours and maybe his if you’re an amputee), lubricant (cotton-mouth is not recommended), and boobs (optional-for the more advanced blower). That’s all that is required for you to make magic happen. However, over time, I realize the thing about bjs is not really what you should do; it’s all about what you shouldn’t. As a newbie, how was I suppose to know that intermittent gnawing and clamping down of teeth while clawing his shaft are not considered good oral practice? Whoops, live and learn, folks!

This leads me to recount my most memorable bj fiasco…

Let me begin by asking who would refuse minty fresh gum after a night of throwing back several cocktails? Certainly not I, someone who thinks halitosis is as offputting as manboobs. What I didn’t foresee was me servicing him after we got back to my place. I imagine you can see where this story is going. So there I was, on my knees like an aspiring model/actress/waitress trying to make it big in Los Angeles, not thinking twice to spit out my gum. Something about the combination of drunkenness and common sense that just don’t go together, right? So after a minute of going down, I noticed that the chewy little object that was keeping my breath deliciously fresh was no longer within the confines of my oral cavity. Erf?? I opened my eyes and saw that it was comfortably nestled in the tuff of his pubic hair. (I apologize for making anyone gag at this moment) What is a girl to do? I surely didn’t want him to think I’m a fucking moron, so I coyly tried to extract this mess but to no avail. I actually think I made it worse with my drunk and uncoordinated tactile skills. Eventually, I gave up and made the announcement, “Um, my gum is stuck to you, and I can’t get it out. Sorry.” He then proceeded to bitch slap me across the face and spew hurtful expletives. OK, just kidding, but to my surprise, he just laughed and cleaned himself. To my bigger surprise, we continued like it never happened once he got most of the gum out. One positive from the debacle: his genitals were then minty fresh! (Sorry for making you gag here too) Ah, see the beauty of giving head? Men are such total suckers for a good blow job that you can get away with just about anything. I should have asked for the keys to his Lexus while I was at it. Doh! Next time.

OK, I need to go practice for the competition. Wish me luck, you guys!

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