Top 5 Photos NOT to Post on a Dating Profile

in Dating Tips

Anyone who says looks do not matter is just totally, utterly, unequivocally bullshitting themselves. Hello, I know your ass is lying, so stop pretending to be above us regular, superficial folks. And if you are being serious, for fuck’s sake, adopt some standards! Just keep it real, OK? Lookie here, I’m not your mother, your girlfriend, or your probation officer, so there’s no need to lie and say it’s who the person is inside is what matters. I’ve dissected dead people and have looked inside. It’s freaking hideous in there. Stick with the outside, Hannibal.

Let’s admit it: there are times when we come across photos that make us moist in the nether regions, while others make us scream, “WTF is THAT?!” and couldn’t make us block your profile any faster. Our physical appearance bear so much weight when it comes to sorting mates for marrying or sexing (bow-chicka-bow-wow), so it’s understandable that we want to present ourselves as “attractive” as possible. However, many, MANY people lack the intuition or hell, even common sense, to discern what are good vs bad photographs. To provide some enlightenment to all you dating zombies, I’ve listed my Top 5 Photo Themes Not to Post in hopes that you would stop making me cringe in horror.

1. Mugshot/Driver’s Licence. As if it’s not self-explanatory, do you seriously think you’re going to entice anyone looking as if you’re in a rapist lineup? Why would you post a photo of just your face- not smiling, disheveled, and against a white wall? Equally as bad, I’ve come across profiles that had pictures of their driver’s license (with personal information removed- they’re stupid but not that stupid) posted. Like, seriously? Is it that difficult to find ONE suitable picture of yourself that you had to resort to the DMV as your photographer? If that’s actually the case, that’s just sad… almost like blind, limping dog being kicked sad.

Mugshot

2. Far away Shots.  I suppose you’re trying to capture the surroundings when you take these wide panoramic shots, but the downside is you (the main object I’m interested in) appear negligible or better yet, to be concealing something. Why are you sooooo far away? What the hell are you hiding! I shouldn’t have to squint or max out my magnifying function on my computer. I’m just asking not to be blindsided when you arrive to our date looking like a deformed creature from the sewer.

Neck balls

3. Tight T-shirts/Shirtless. I don’t know what screams out “Douchebag!!” more- a dude wearing an Affliction t-shirt or one who is posing shirtless and flexing. Do you people intentionally choose to look like a tool? Are you an MMA fighter or body builder? Even then I question if it’s permissible. I don’t care how much bling you’re stuntin’ or how jacked your body is; there’s no diverting my eyes from that hot ass mess. Kicker is, this fashion faux pas usually involves a plethora of other asshole accoutrements. See picture at the bottom. *extra side note: pass on the bad tan, unless you want to look like the ultimate douche then mission accomplished!

Priceless douche

4. Selfies. If only people will stop taking mother fucking goddamn selfies, I’d be one extremely grateful person. Anything, well almost anything, is better than you taking a crapalicious photo of yourself with your phone. I can’t believe I even have to say this, but men, please don’t do the duck face. It’s ridiculous when a female does it, but it’s that much more ludicrous when you do it. The only time you need to take a selfie is when you’re taking a photo of your penis because it’s just awkward to ask a friend to do it for you. Oh God, and don’t post cock shots either!

Selfie Fail

5. You’re So Popular. The Pièce de résistance of bad dating profile photos has to be the one where the guy is posing with a/several scantily clad female(s). Am I supposed to think that you’re some hot shit who’s popular with the sexaaay ladiessss? Or are you trying to convince me that you’re not a creepy woman-beating stalker because “See!! I have friends with vaginas! You can trust me with yours!” Look, you’re not appealing if we see you posing with a bunch of broads. The usual rebuttal from men: we don’t take pictures. The ones we have are from the females taking them with us. Yeah ok, sure. By that line of reasoning, why aren’t you posting pictures with your mom, sister, or aunt? RRRIIIIGGHHTTTT…

Sugar Mama

 

Now take my checklist and go into your profile and start deleting any photos that fall into these categories. Thank you, and God speed.

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