Unless You’re Frodo Baggins

in Stories

If you’ve never perused the “Missed Connections” section of Craigslist, you’re in for a treat! It’s a type of personal ad that’s placed by people who feel they have missed an opportunity to make a connection with a stranger who has caught their eye. It is in the hopes that the other person reads it and contacts them- a second chance if you will. I enjoy reading these because sometimes it’s really cute and sweet, and most of the times it’s just plain hilarious. I was always just a spectator until my flight one fateful evening…

I had a flight from D.C. when I noticed an extremely handsome guy across the baggage carousel. He was eyeing me as I was eyeing him, but I was just too darn chicken shit to make a move. As you may have guessed, it turned out to be a missed connection. Did I just let it go, though? Heck no! What if this guy could be the one I’ve been waiting for?! I decided to place an ad and cross my fingers. That’s when a guy who called himself William responded. After the first email exchange, we realized we were not each other’s missed opportunity (I was not a “hot black girl” nor was he a “tall dark hair guy”). Still, we clicked well and continued corresponding, eventually exchanging Skype information (that’s video chat for those of you who live under a rock).

Willy and I  lived a  thousand miles apart, so we found ourselves resorting to video chat as our primary form of communication. Over time, our innocent flirtatious messages became a little more… lascivious. A strip tease here, a flash of the goods there, we were having ourselves a little fun. It lasted until I found him to be a little shady when it came to withholding personal information (e.g. Facebook account name). If a dude doesn’t tell you his first and last name after a month of talking, something’s up, ladies! Doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to sniff that out really. As my rule of thumb goes, if something doesn’t seem right, odds are it isn’t. That was pretty much the end of that until he randomly Skype-called me about a week later.

Willy boy was his jovial self and shirtless, may I add, when I answered. However, I think in his haste to take off his shirt to show off his 6 pack abs, he forgot to take off his… WEDDING BAND. Ah, that makes perfect sense now doesn’t it? If I was messing around with other girls and didn’t want my wife to know, I wouldn’t use my real name either.

ring

Married Will: Hey, how have you been? I miss our chats.
Me: *notices ring* Aw, yeah? I’ve been well. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask, and be honest. Is Will even your real name?
Married Will: *hesitates* No…
Me: Yeah, I didn’t think so. Nice wedding ring, btw. You take care now, bye.

Wish I wasn’t always so god damn fucking classy about shit like this. Can’t help but be me, you know? Oh well, at least I got a guy who was attractive and ripped to give me a steamy strip dance, and I didn’t even have to tip him a dollar! Holla!

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