Yes, Be an Asshole to Get My Attention

in Emails from Suitors

I’ve always thought that those who act like assholes or bitches were the ones who were attractive but with low self-esteem. Apparently, being a dick isn’t reserved for the attractive people. Anyone can be a jerk these days- low self-esteem or not. I’m fighting a losing battle. (Hey, I’m only a raging bitch on my blog since I need a release and I’m not hurting anyone’s feelings. However, if you feel butthurt while reading my blog, you should check yo’self because um, your sensitive ass has no sense of humor,)

Email from Snaggle-tooth:


I gave some thought to a way to say this without sounding like an ass but couldn’t come up with one, so I’m just going to say it: your profile is terrible.

I think you’re beautiful and the fact that you love dogs as much as you do made me curious about you, but I’m writing you despite your profile. It uses a lot of words to say absolutely nothing about you, other than you’re “different”. I’m not even sure what your interests are aside from the common list of books, bands, and movies; but maybe you can tell me. What do you enjoy talking about? What would you prefer men ask you about when they meet you?

Now how is his inability to deduce and infer information my fault? If I’m so common and uninteresting, why bother contacting me? Seriously. Maybe some men think that the way to nab a girl is to make her feel that he’s so magnanimous since he’s giving her the benefit of the doubt? Or do they think that by putting us down, we become low hanging fruit that’s easy for the picking? Puhlease! Even if this d-bag was super hot, I’d tell him to fuck off, but he’s not. He just made it that much easier to give him the bird.

Since we’re playing the asshole game, it’s my turn. Hey you fat fuck, snaggle-tooth, douche. How about you stop strumming that guitar, put on some running shoes, and jet to the nearest orthodontist. While you’re at it, stop by your mom’s house and have her reteach you how to be gentleman with qualities women actually desire.

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